


Accidental Acquisition

by Prose



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Accidental Baby Acquisition, M/M, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-05
Updated: 2016-07-06
Packaged: 2018-04-13 02:00:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 32,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4503495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prose/pseuds/Prose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"How had it become like this?" Was the question a certain Heiwajima Shizuo had made to himself that night. He couldn't remember when was the last time he'd slept more than five hours or the last time he was able to take a bath. Damn he would do anything for a nap right now, but he just couldn't.<br/>the worst of it all was that everything was fault of a certain Orihara Izaya.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. chapter 1

How had it become like this? Was the question a certain Heiwajima Shizuo had made himself that night.

He opened his eyes questioning his own life decisions, he really needed a glass of milk right now, if only he hadn't forgotten about it again.

He couldn't even remember when was the last time he had slept more than five complete hours, or the last time he was able to take a bath. Damn, he would do anything for a nap, but right now, he couldn't.

the worst of it all was that everything was fault of a certain Orihara Izaya.

He stood up, for the third time in the night to the screeching screams coming from the crib across the room where a raven haired baby was bawling his eyes out calling for him.

“What now?” the baby looked at him and his red eyes smiled.

Shizuo thought that maybe it wasn't all that bad, until the kid started asking to be lifted bringing both his hands up in clumsy motions “Tizu tan! Tizu tan!” 

Shizuo felt his mood drop again.

“you can't stop that nickname even like this...” he lifted the babysighing.

“what's the problem now?” Shizuo looked at the baby's dark eyes as if waiting for an answer, but only received clapping and giggling in return.

“As If you could understand anything I might say right now” he cradled the baby until the thing got asleep, this wasn't right, he couldn't do it, not when this wasn't a normal baby at all, not like he didn't like kids, he actually liked them, but he really couldn't take care of him in this situation.

everything was Shinra's fault.

 

 

 

 

1 week before

 

 

 

“IZAYAAAAA! Come back here right now!” the scream was heard trough his aching lungs. the laughing black-clad figure disappearing into the horizon, as always, out of reach. 

just like a fucking Pest.

 

a confident smirk answered him.

“ I can't believe Shizu-chan actually thought I was a girl!”  long taunting dark lashes tempting him to lift his fist and punch him straight in the face.

yeah, he couldn't believe it either.

 

"That" was what had happened a few nights earlier, It was something people knew around Ikebukuro, being used to the anomalies within the cities and with them the anomalies that came with Shizuo, the fact that Shizuo never did well while drunk was really well known.

He occasionally but not always intentionally liked to drink more than a few glasses, but at the cost of it, he always ended up drunk. and that night, he got completely lost, at a club.  
Slurping his way through never ending pathsthere he was, with an experienced unawareness of broken things left by.

  
A drunk Shizuo.

 

It was something specially remarkable to see when he was surrounded with people. 

That day he had decided to go because Tom had said something about relationships and meeting people and having fun. Shizuo never had high hopes concerning those things anyway, but he couldn't care less and finally decided to get a few drinks. he took them down one after another, his patience lowering each time he took a drink.

He really couldn't stand the sounds and shadow-like people dancing like animals in heat, flashes of hues that looked too brilliant and cheap to be something worth of appreciation. the never ending loud music flowing through people's heads, the sound of clicking glasses.  
Shizuo sighed, getting close to the dark neon colored lights of the bar asking for one more drink, the cold of the glass went exactly aligned with the nothing he was feeling at the moment, feeling empty, void of interest and out of place.

  
blurriness.

He tasted the bittersweet flavors that were never enough of both sides hoping to at least achive to pass the time. 

The music kept going and so did his drinks. Had he known what would happen that night he wouldn't even as much dare getting his feet on the place.  
He had found delight for a moment that night, just not in the way he had expected delight to be when his dispersed attention turned a sharp turn.

With the saturated neon lights that seemed to become brighter each minute, he stared straight at a face, amazed at the sharp angles and inky locks adorning it like a frame. he didn't expect the tingling sensations that went trough his pumping blood. No, he hadn't seen anything more than a faint smile on porcelain skin and he just kept staring. unaware of lips biting at the other side before he felt his body tense up when his eyes strayed from cherry eyes to cherry lips. feeling a strange familiarity stir his senses but taking no note on it, as he let himself be bewitched by the offered sight, dangerous, and voraciously playful.

  
At that moment, he didn't realize.

at that moment he had been too drunk or that´s what he would tell himself later, that's what he would keep trying to tell his brain afterward, all happened in a slip, out of the enraptured slow moment he was starting to enjoy.  
He didn't realize the lady walking up to him.

“Could it be that Shizu-chan was that desperate? ” the informant mentioned, and pointed his knife at him, tormenting him with words and a mouth that was tainted with poison. Yes, he had been desperate but that had nothing to do with it. Shizuo thought the raven would never get it. Izaya having the world at his feet as he was used to. 

Ire woke up his body as he watched the face he had stared at like a fool that night.

“what the fuck is wrong with you?” he repeated the phrase like a spell told a million times, It was like a repeated play, one they could never escape from, Shizuo felt they were stuck in the middle of it forever.  
He held the informant's hands gainst the wall, really wanting to know what the fuck was Izaya doing there that night, but then again, the guy was as weird as a flying pig and even if he heard an answer he was sure he wouldn't understand. He still felt anxiety numbing his thoughts, growing like needles on his skin. he still felt uncomfortable with the possessive urge of wanting to know.

Shizuo never understood Izaya's behaviour anyway, and Izaya had never thought about making him understand either. Why would he?.

Be it the things he said or did, Izaya's reasons were sacred, his principles holy and his hands untainted. Always untainted. Shizuo hated Izaya´s untainted hands the most, because for some reason, even If everything bad that happened on the city had to do with him, Izaya never forced things to actually happen, he was never a direct turning point of chaos, only the upper hand moving the pieces. 

Izaya was always the eye of the hurricane.

He didn't feel when the informant brought his head to mock the side of his neck, blowing warm breath that made him shiver and feel electricity through his back, making him listen clearly to the deep sounds popping out of Izaya´s throat, coming like low dark purrs.

  
“Perhaps Shizu-chan wants Kanra to show him other things”

Izaya felt muscles tensing and static ending, feeling pleasure at the reactions he was getting out of Shizuo and chuckled, it was so easy to do this to Shizu-chan, he hadn't expected to find the protozoan that night, he was only collecting information for Shiki, and sometimes it was a nice change of routine going out like that, he could even swear he got more attention that way and he couldn't resist bothering a drunk Shizu-chan, it wasn't like the protozoan hadn't burned his eyes on “Kanra” already anyway, so he thought that maybe, he could have some fun with him.

  
He grabbed the opportunity to run and rolled his eyes.

“as much as Kanra would like to play with you, she really can't now! Kanra has to go to Shinra's” he turned his heels and started running, turning his head to Shizuo only to flash a devious smile, red eyes turning darker.

  
“Bye bye Shizu-chan”

 

 

She was everlasting, abysmal. deathless surrounded her. The thought of her only left him on endless hours full of thoughts that travelled around possibilities around the concept of their relationship, he wanted to be there for her forever, to listen to her forever, to see her laugh and see her cry as sad as that would be, but beautiful at the same time. he needed to do something about it, to see everything he could with her and time was not enough for the love he had, she was like a god, giving him life even though he hadn't asked.

  
he knew he needed to retrieve all the life she had given to him with her existence, he always thought the only thing he could ever do was to become a shield for her, a shield to block damage in nonphysical levels.  
He never liked the idea of being human, he didn't care about his own humanity nor did he care about other humans. 

the only thing that came before Celty was his safety. She always came first, it didn't matter what, as long as it was in his hands he would do the unthinkable, the unnamed things normal people could only swear for.  
As long as he was with her, as long as she was with him, but whenever he remembered about his flawed mortality, everything seemed to have no meaning.  
What would happen to his love when everything ended? How much would it take her to forget his voice and face? Her human side, would she be lonely? Would she stop loving him? Would she forget?

  
That was what had made him look for a cure.

Mortality was a sickness. A sickness he had been born with, a cancer growing out with every breath, one chance was all he needed and even if that chance ended in failure it wouldn't matter, he had to try and win her even more, delight in the fact of possibility.  
With luck and after many trials of confusing experiments he was able to get something that was indeed close to what he was looking for, or at least something that was said to have a temporary effect.

Ambrosia. The drink of the gods.

It wasn´t like the original story of humans drinking the golden liquid was true, but neither were all the tales concerning Dullahans roaming the earth. he could witness those ones himself. 

Stories surrounding legendary artifacts were not always right or asserted, but that didn´t matter as long as he didn´t give up.  
People on the city malpractice the traffic of paranormal items, after all, Ikebukuro was full of men wishing for rare and exotic items, the yakuza being the first always looking around for them.

They were always looking for the unexplainable, the things that should be left without answers. The underground was full of magnificent stuff.  
He had tried to study the golden chemical, but it was impossible to get something out of it with so little.

  
With passing weeks, results of his investigations showed barely anything, and he hadn't been able to get a lot of the substance for obvious reasons, that was why, he had ended his tests with nothing. He had gotten really close to a replica, but he wasn't sure it would work. It would probably have side effects, and as a doctor, he would give it countless of tries.

Just not on himself.

  
Shinra finally wished he had gotten a golden apple instead.

 

“Have you been fighting with Shizuo-kun again?” Shinra said with no surprise whatsoever to a lazy Izaya sitting on his couch.

  
“Actually it's not fighting, he's the one who can't let me be, and "escaping from the beast"... would be a better use of words,” he said looking at him, looking bothered by the mere name of that protozoan being pronounced in the room  
“here” Shinra said. placing cups of tea for both of them, grabbing one for himself, smiling at the childish way Izaya behaved whenever Shizuo was brought to the table.

  
“I wouldn't say he is never provoked you know? you can't blame Shizuo-kun”.

  
Izaya noticed Shinra's fingers twitching slightly when he lowered the plate on the table, he also noticed Shinra wasn't chirping like he always did nor was he shouting those things he'd rather not think about when thinking about the courier.  
The doctor was slightly pale and his smiles were forced, it was like he didn't want Izaya to know what he was thinking. He stared intently at Shinra treasuring the fact that his staring always made people uncomfortable in a good way. Izaya liked being intimidating when in a neutral state, he liked power and Shinra seemed to start shifting his hands awkwardly.

  
He was glad it worked.

  
“actually you are right,” the informant remarked “you can't blame a beast for their savage actions right?” he laughed at himself, Shizuo was just a beast in a human body. Nothing deserving of love or affection from others.  
“Izaya-kun” Shinra sighted but stared at his cup only to not look Izaya in the eye, he would be found out sooner or later anyway.  
Izaya lazily supported himself with one of his arms against the sofa, smiling slightly amused.

  
“Shinra, What are you hiding from me?” Izaya went on, like if this wasn't something new and he already had the gist of what Shinra was thinking, he watched as Shinra stilled and his breathing stopped only to look at him through big glasses.  
“You didn't state why you needed me today...” he clicked his tongue, shifting his weight and getting closer to the doctor.

“Why is that?” the raven looked menacing, serious. It was the kind of air Izaya had when people didn't succumb to his needs. The same thing kids did when they weren't given what they wanted, the difference being that in their childish antics kids pouted and cried, Izaya, on the other hand, became the incarnation of calculated madness.  
Shinra had to remind himself that if he wasn't the one that knew Izaya the best then there was no one, so he quickly calmed down, he knew how Izaya's mind worked so he only gave him his trademark carefree smile.  
“Stop being an idiot and drink your tea” He commanded with a robotic smile, closing his eyes, and Izaya looked at him as if considering the options presented, he clicked his tongue again and frowned, but obeyed nonetheless, retrieving his body to the position on the sofa. 

Shinra may have been obvious on the fact he was hiding something, but he knew Izaya trusted him too much, sometimes too much as to not listen to his instincts, and that fact normally scared him but on this moment, he was thankful Izaya trusted him this much,  
“I needed you here today beca-”  
“Izaya-kuuuun...” both heard the too-well-known voice, catching their attention as it became louder and came with stomping and wall cracking, Izaya was quick, Shinra moved his head around only to find his friend opening the window.  
“Izaaaaayaaaa-Kuuuuun!” Shizuo entered the living room, there was nothing he wouldn't expect, seeing the raven about to jump out of the window.

he was never able to catch the bastard in time.

“Shizu-chan! It's not polite to destroy people's houses, I know it's your way of saying hello but you need to--” he was cut short by something being thrown at him.

dear god this man was impossible. 

Izaya frowned but only for a moment, he happily bowed to Shinra and smirked at Shizuo annoyingly “See you later!”  
Shinra could only sigh at his thrown away pot and broken door, but ended up exhaling triumphantly at his well-done job. Izaya hadn't noticed anything if little, and the cup of tea was almost empty. It was all probably thanks to Shizuo-kun.


	2. Chapter 2

Cracking sounds against hot pavement, legs running at a vibrant velocity, feeling his lungs start to ache, Shizuo thought It was amazing how Izaya never got tired like he did. He had inhuman strength alright, but to be able to run like this, not everyone could stand it. He couldn't deny the informant was way faster than him, had way more endurance when running and had a special talent in making his skin burn hot with anger.  
With years of Izaya running away from him, Shizuo swore the raven had won swifter movements. Since the days at Raira that were ingrained into his mind like sparks of red and black, when they were still young and hadn´t wanted to hurt themselves as much as they did these days, the sunset encircling his cloudy vision made the patches of streets blurry, Shizuo was able to focus only on the steadfast movements Izaya made.  
He felt the clinging sweat, creeping cold against his skin as the sun went down, thinking only about catching the fucking figure that wouldn´t stop dangling that ugly coat.   
he remembered every time he had been close to punching Izaya to the floor, but Shizuo was sure that if the raven didn't want to be caught he wouldn't let himself be caught. Izaya would make things happen out of amusement, he damn knew that, and he also knew whenever Izaya did show a weakness, this could only be intentional as well.

He wondered why the raven used to rarely trail off the usual path and lead him to a new one only to pretend to be without aid or possibility to escape, leading him to believe he had got the pest in between walls but only to openly taunt him close as he always did, it was as if the other needed him to get close to mocker the danger getting out of his flesh as his ire went up and his speech thin.  
he could count with fingers the times Izaya had let himself be caught only to taunt him with a smirk and slip a second later in a white flash.

The black haired boy was always out of Shizuo's reach. even when he was standing a foot before him.

As he began to approach, still forcing his legs to run, he started noticing how the other man got closer with an unusual kind of proximity.

Usually, Izaya would just get in one of those back streets pretending he didn't know the city just to amuse himself with whatever reaction Shizuo would have, but he never let him get close when they were running like this.

Shizuo noticed the agitation on the raven's face, the slower motions dragging him closer to the pavement and cracking his swift movements into a rigid mess. Izaya was slowing down when Shizuo almost thought he hadn't seen the figure disappear inside an alleyway since he was so fixated in the black form.  
He could hear heavy breathing and a minute later choking coughs, he barely realized he was already inside, walls of bricks so tall they barely lit the outline of Izaya's form.  
Black hair came forward at a strange angle, facing him.   
Shizuo started feeling his muscles get rigid as the informant tried to regain balance over himself, throwing his back against the wall needing to support his own weight with it.  
The sight so strange Shizuo was taken aback, feeling the wearisome walls fall down on them, an anticipation of something dark caught in his throat even though the only thing that escaped his mouth was   
“tired of running flea?”  
Izaya stood still, unmoving, his smile falling short, eyes closing for a long moment, knees tumbling down to cold concrete with a loud thud.   
Silence took Shizuo by surprise.  
Something was wrong.

Rasping gasps that got louder filled the air. Izaya's expression changed, eyes growing full and desperate. he could see Izaya trying to regain his composure but failing when he took a hand to his throat shaking, eyeing him a desperate look.  
“ I can't breathe” was the last thing Shizuo heard when the informant collapsed hitting the pavement. Skin whiter and lips painfully bluer than what he could describe as normal.  
Shizuo stood immobile, not processing the way the motionless frame stayed static on the floor.  
He realized his growing urge to do something as the realization that he didn't want to leave Izaya there, alone, and probably dying sunk in. he felt anxiety stifle his blood as he recovered the body.   
Leaving Izaya there was not an option.

 

 

 

He busted his entrance to Shinra's lab, desperately looking for glasses and a white coat, not minding the weight on his arms. finding the doctor not so shocked to seeing him and readjusting his glasses.  
He left Izaya on the stretcher finding Shinra's eyes change into an amused look directly hitting him “Shizuo?” Shinra said.

“Why do you have Izaya's clothes with you?” he questioned, it was indeed a very weird sight, Shizuo clinging to Izaya's trademark ugly coat and pants. he looked down, the weight suddenly felt lighter and what he saw almost scared him.

  
“WHAT?” he looked at what indeed was supposed to be the fainted informant but only found a bunch of black cloth in return. He caught his breath in his throat.   
Izaya wasn't there, there was no Izaya.  
Shizuo stared astonished at black cuts of different garments between his arms.  
“N-no! I had him here! He stopped breathing and-and I brought him here an-”

had the informant tricked him again? No, Izaya would never let him touch him, he felt blood boiling through his veins, but It seemed plausible with the oh-so-many-times he had been tricked by the idiot, but that was until he heard weird sounds coming from the clothes and furrowing his brows Shinra looked at him and he looked at Shinra.  
they both looked at each other faces the only difference being that Shinra seemed strangely excited after a moment. Shizuo frowned and picked through the clothes in his arms.

The air on his lungs was cut short as a small gasp took the way up his throat, It couldn't be.  
he frowned deeper shifting his head to a snorting Shinra, speechless and confused and angry as the doctor tried not to laugh looking at a smiling baby stretching his arms for both Shizuo.

The blonde man could hear insane chortling coming out of Shinra after a few more moments and stared at the baby who seemed to only be able to laugh with Shinra as if both where laughing because of him.   
Was he dreaming? He was not really sure anymore seeing what had just happened, the flea had disappeared and he felt like a fool looking at the still laughing little form.

“tizu-tan!”

the words made an echo inside Shizuo's head, repeating themselves in non-stopping spirals with a heavy weight that was meant to torment him and him alone.  
The sound more terrible than it should have been repeating itself in his ears.

_No._

He felt his heart pause and his lungs empty in a chocked second.

_No way._

Shinra couldn't stop laughing, to the point he had started gasping for air.

“What the fuck?!” had been the only response Shizuo could utter at the moment, _what the fuck_ was happening? He was sure he wasn't dreaming and why was Shinra laughing this badly? He had the feeling the doctor had something to do with all this, he didn't know how he just knew who and he knew said who was Shinra.

“What the fuck Shinra!” he screamed with an incredulous face at the doctor who was cutting the laughs out of his lungs.  
“I'm so sorry!” Shinra laughed between chortles making Shizuo even more angry.

  
“YOU! You did this! Didn't you!” Shizuo shouted at the doctor trying to ignore the baby who was looking at him with smiley cheeks, he clenched his fists tightly.  
“Look at the bright side! He won't bother you anymore! Ikebukuro will be peaceful at last!”   
the doctor tried to examine the baby taking hold of the little thing who started to scream the moment Shinra's fingers touched him.  
“yep, undoubtedly, it's him” Shinra sighted putting the baby back in place. “It seems he doesn't recognize me”

  
“tizu-tan!” the baby stretched his arms at Shizuo who could only look with an open mouth  
“I didn't expect that by the way” Shinra signaled in a cheerful note, and took the baby with him again.  
Shizuo saw red. Grabbing Shinra by his shirt he pushed the doctor forward with raw strength scaring the shit out of Shinra who just wouldn't stop laughing and making the child laugh.  
“what are you going to do with _him_?” Shizuo almost bit, feeling his insides boil at the situation.  
“I need to run some tests on him, just to ensure he's okay” Shinra looked down at the baby barely holding his footing with how Shizuo was pulling him up “but I won't take care of him, I can't do that”

the baby started crying again, it seemed that the only thing he was capable off was to scream asking for Shizu-chan, something Shinra thought, again, was extremely funny.  
“What?! Why?! Who is going to take care of that if not YOU?” Shizuo can feel his anger going on again, but it's weird to do so when in the presence of a child

When Shinra suddenly stares at him and he feels he is expecting the doctor to say something and realizes is going to be a waste of time while he grabs Shinra's shirt harder, the feelings in his head get even hotter as Shinra nods to him in a knowing manner.

  
“Do you want to leave Izaya to me then?” the doctor says, smiling with full teeth. If Shinra wasn't his friend he would be bleeding on the floor already.  
Shizuo tenses and releases his hold as his expression calms down to something more serious, he can only massage the space between his eyes while he thinks and wonders why the fuck is Shinra such a freak, he can't even start to fathom asking questions because he's sure he doesn't want the answers as to why Shinra decided to do something like this, it's not like he's an idiot either, because he wouldn't leave a child in the hands of a person as insane as Shinra but this is Izaya and this is just impossible to even start considering what to do about it.

“Shinra” he growls menacingly, he knows doing this is crossing the line, he knows the doctor knows he's not going to leave Izaya with his crazy ass but as he sighs and lets his fingers crack the stress he's feeling, watching the baby with a strange look he can only come to wonder why did the baby only recognize him?

 

 

 

  
Why had he agreed to this? Shizuo has no knowledge of how to take care of a child, surely he likes kids, but the fact that this baby is not a normal baby since Izaya made him afraid.  
Wanting to kill a child isn't something on Shizuo's list, even if he wants to kill Izaya, this baby isn't really the informant, it's just a baby.

He wouldn't let Shinra touch a child, that was clear. He wouldn't even let the twins come close to the baby, they didn't even need to know about this. Shizuo didn't know if he should involve Kadota or not but thinking about Erika and Walker made him feel sick. He probably shouldn't tell anyone about this. Probably only Tom-san. probably only the air.

  
Shinra had told him the effects of whatever shit he had given to Izaya would disappear with time and Izaya would return to normal in less than 10 months -or something along those lines-, something Shizuo couldn't fathom, but since a grown man had turned into a baby and there were headless Dullahans around, he thought that it wouldn't be something impossible at the end.

The only thing he was glad for was that the informant wouldn't bother him anymore so he would be at ease, hell, the entire city would be at ease. Without Izaya playing god, the city would take a normal course at last.

crimson eyes stared curiously at him, innocence flowing through the red orbs. Shizuo could still not accept the fact that this kid was Izaya, even if this baby had the same cherry eyes, the same white skin, and the same fucking soul eating grin -even though those were more innocent- he had never thought about how Izaya was as a child. Had he even been a normal kid? He doubted that.

“well, Shinra said you would grow insanely fast,” he said as the baby grabbed Shizuo´s finger and started stretching it entertained by Shizuo's playful movements. It seemed Izaya didn't remember who He was, a thing he thought was normal since a baby's brain couldn't process much, but he seemed to recall his name and that was weird as fuck.

Shinra had said that it was probably a memory problem, the most strange thing about this was that Izaya seemed to recognize no one but Shizuo, not even Celty, but still didn't connect the dots (as if a baby could), to hell with the informant, he wasn't doing this for Izaya anyway. He was doing it for a child.  
Shinra hadn't said If Izaya would regain his memories with time or if at all, Shizuo had a lot of questions regarding the baby's condition, especially because the thing wouldn´t stop crying unless Shizuo was holding him, looking at him, or talking to him, he couldn´t just let Shizuo be, it was nerve-wracking, at least that part of Izaya hadn't changed.

 

 

 

With little time he came to realize Izaya was an extremely curious baby, sometimes when he'd talk to him, the baby would stare at him with a strange awareness for words. Izaya had learned to speak with simple words in a matter of days and Shizuo would come to think it wasn´t that bad to take care of him, even if he would return to normal he would be able to mock Izaya for the rest of his life.

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

Shizuo had always observed Izaya from afar, a boy that never lacked anything, It was weird that someone like him had become like that. Izaya was always lucky, whether he would get heads or tails wasn't a question because he would always get both, Izaya always had all the sides of the coin and when he didn't, he had another coin to make up for it.   
Shizuo knew he didn't lack money because his parents had good stable jobs as far as he could tell, nor did he lack in the appearance department -as much as Shizuo would like to disagree with that one-   
Or brainpower, to always stay in front of everyone, being top of the class and having high grades even if the bug skipped most if not all classes almost every fucking week, coming later to school only to bother him out of nowhere or to magically appear for five minutes to drop a full mark on a test.

Regardless of Izaya's friendly appearance on the outside, cordial and kind with everyone who crossed his path, always smiling to the needed and bare, Izaya was like a bad egg, brilliantly polished outside but blackly wasted inside.   
Shizuo had always turned his head indifferently whenever some girl would cry for a broken heart at hands of the snake, or when boys like him were lead to actions they later regretted unknowing of the one responsible for their tears. Shizuo always saw the flash of white teeth smirking their way behind strings, and everything bad that happened in their school, and he couldn't help it. feeling his blood boil with blazes until the name cracked under his mouth giving way to screaming lungs asking for any kind of justice to be made.

Shizuo could feel the crawly strings falling on his burning skin since the first day he had watched the raven haired boy say his name like a joke that buzzed through his brain like a noisy bug. It wasn't late before he himself would also be entwined by the strings and even if he wanted out, the pale skinned boy wouldn't leave him out. it wasn't easy, Izaya never made it easy.

Izaya liked to play with everyone, Izaya liked to the stringman, the puppeteer behind the cast who told the story to later laugh at it and this, Shizuo understood well.

The tales would be told behind smirks morphing into games he didn't want to play because he felt Izaya was fake, his stories were also fake and he knew. Izaya was not good, no, Izaya was always up to something bad and he knew.

No one could change the fact that Izaya was Izaya as the air was air.

Shizuo had always been a quiet child. The honey-like gaze would always stay still and at ease until someone would come to taunt him and change his eyes into an irritated burnt brown. He didn't like violence because he wasn't violent, he didn't want reasons for violent actions or words. He wished violence wasn't the solution of his senses and the reaction of his body. He wished violence didn't come as natural to him as breathing, his body could be the only one to blame not his mind, he would never be violent unless provoked. He had always been a quiet child and he felt that perhaps Izaya had been one too. From time to time he would open the door that lead to the rooftop to gaze at the sky and lose himself in it only to find Izaya instead, resting with his back on the floor, staring up in a white trance, spreading his palm up to the sky watching his hand, peacefully relaxing without a blame in the world and with eyes as innocent as the ones from a child.

Shizuo thought that perhaps they had some things in common.  
  
Seeing the baby´s eyes so taintless he was reminded of the look Izaya used to gaze upon the sky, the rare occasions where he would silently watch him be a normal person for once and not with the same look plastered on red eyes that would glisten whenever the strings had accomplished the anticipated control over someone. Shizuo had seen it on weird occasions, the look of a pure kid so taintlessly playful as the same baby he was cradling with his arms right now. No, Izaya would never feel guilt for his actions because for Izaya, dissecting a person was like opening a toy.  
Kids never think twice when they want to play

 

  
¨Wake up¨ he ordered.

Weighty covers moved groggily around the bed as If to wake up but soon died again.

¨Izaya, I said wake up¨ his hand slowly trailed the blob on the bed discovering black shiny hair. This time his command sounding more like a laugh than an order.

¨I´m not going to ask a third time, It´s pretty late even for a kid” the sun shining through the windows hitting a yawning boy getting out of the covers.   
The covers fell abruptly on the bed making way to pleading red eyes and scruffy disheveled hair. ¨It´s not fair¨   
crunchy almond red eyes stare angrily at Shizuo, a round face with puffy cheeks and small lips.   
A pouting face.  
Shizuo's thin lips drag themselves up.

He thinks It's funny every morning.

He chuckles at the pouting kid on the bed, enjoying the annoying look the kid gives him every time, -he is now used to it as he's used to laughing- finally forcing the covers out of it and with this, Izaya.

Izaya closes his eyes and sighs in frustration and Shizuo can't help but feel sorry for him, but it's firm against the unstoppable force the kid puts in glowering at him as if waking him up was the most terrible thing Shizuo could do to him.  
It's entertaining for the blonde every morning to watch the grumpy form wake up and barely reach the floor with his feet.

Now that he thought about it, Izaya had been having less and less problems to get his feet on the floor with each day. he was growing really fast.  
Not even an entire month had passed since he had gotten stuck with the baby and he was starting to miss those moments because this kid was always complaining about something, putting Shizuo's to see red, he would talk for hours non-stop and would make the most stupid questions Shizuo was sure he never asked as a child. He didn't mind the questions at first, but as Izaya learned again about the world he soon found himself overwhelmed with questions he didn't think he would need to answer.  
Since the day the baby was able to utter the words “Why”, “When” and “How” the rounded face would ask each day about something, it didn't matter what. Shizuo felt like an interrogation took place every time.

He prepared the table for breakfast, making the sound of tableware be heard while Izaya tried to sit on one of the chairs with no use, tried to jump to get taller and sit with no effort, narrowing his eyes into slits as if the chair was at fault for his disgrace until Shizuo grabbed him by his hips accomplishing his goal of finally sitting.

“Shizu-chan?” he said after grabbing his fork with less clumsiness than expected from a kid.   
“uh?” Shizuo asked lazily, stopping to look at the newspaper to look at the kid who seemed to be about to make a question again.

“Why is the moon White?”

And here they came again, the unending questions that entwined like a thread in a jungle he needed to prepare himself for.  
No, Shizuo didn´t know why the moon was white, he didn´t know why the sun was yellow, or why the day had 24 hours or why there were 60 minutes in an hour and 60 seconds in a minute, Shizuo didn't know why living things had to die and it was stupid for him to ask what happened after death.

Shizuo probably didn´t know more than half of the questions little Izaya asked every hour if not every minute. he had expected kids to be curious but not like this.

“because It's made of snow,” he said trying not to laugh with a deadpan expression ruffling the newspaper. The kid looked at him suspiciously before giving him a look of mistrust, slits for eyes reminding Shizuo of an unsure cat.   
“What?” the blonde asked his mouth letting escape a little laugh.

“Why is it made of snow then?” he asked chewing his food still finding it hard to trust the blonde. Shizuo couldn't believe it.

“Izaya, just eat your food and close your mouth” the kid was taken aback but closed his mouth regardless frowning at him and proceeded to frown at his plate.

After finishing their breakfast, Shizuo noticed the sullen expression on Izaya's face, looking down at his own feet to his own dismay, this gets him a little concerned and suddenly Izaya asks him.

“Is Shizu-chan going to leave me today?”

He is about to say Izaya actually hates him, doesn't want to be with him at all, but then, he remembers Izaya didn't have his memories back since he became a clumsy kid, talking with Izaya had become easier these days but then again, this really isn't Izaya, or at least, not in a complete way. It's difficult to think this kid is Izaya sometimes, but he can't ignore the look the kid is giving him right now, if this wasn't Izaya he would say the kid looks lonely.

“yeah, I promised I would take you to the park today right? Is Saturday so...”

Izaya's lips sway up and red eyes shine through dark lashes, his arms stretch to give Shizuo's leg a hug as he leans his head on Shizuo's shirt and giggling.   
yeah, he can definitely not consider this kid Izaya.

Shizuo's tongue goes sandy, he doesn't refuse the kid's affections, but he'd never welcomed them either.   
The kid tightens his hug, waiting for Shizuo to hug him back, Shizuo doesn't move and only looks down to find the kid sticking to him like a gummy bear would to a wall.

“Izaya, why don't you read the book I bought you yesterday or something?” he scratches his blonde hair.

He can't bring himself to show affection to the kid.  
He almost never touched Izaya, only when the situation required it and thankfully Izaya had retained his memory for reading, speaking and amazingly his name but that was it, he could do the basics so Shizuo didn't need to step up for him in most things.

Izaya looked at him expressionless as if he were analyzing his no actions, trying to look for something that could give him away and finally saying something.

“You bought it two days ago and I finished it yesterday” he sees the kid smile, it's unsettling how he notices that it's a strained smile.

“already?” Shizuo says without blinking, he knew Izaya was growing fast, but he was sure it was not a simple book, at least not simple for a kid.

“It was a book for kids, what did Shizu-chan expect?” the little boy frowns as he stops the hug slowly.

“alright, I will buy you another one then” Shizuo feels the need to pat the kid's head, but he stops his arm from moving.

Shinra had said there was a possibility for Izaya to remember and indeed, the child was growing fast and was starting to remember daily things at the speed of light, but it seemed he didn't remember who he was or who Shizuo was.   
Even if the kid asked about everything he would never ask for their situation or why he was living with him, he didn't even ask for his parents.   
The kid would smile honestly at Shizuo and he would smile back, but that was it. Every time the kid asked for a hug or anything of the sort Shizuo remembered this was not a normal kid, It was Izaya. If Izaya remembered it would be awkward, even if he could mock him it would be even weirder since the last thing that happened between them. He was sure Izaya would kill him when everything turned back to normal, that is, if he remembered.

Shizuo hadn't thought about Izaya not remembering, but Shinra had said there was a possibility and he ended shrugging it off since the other option was more viable seeing how Izaya's memories were starting to come back from the most basic things.  
  
If Izaya remembered It would be too awkward for both of them.


	4. Chapter 4

He wondered what would have happened if he hadn't refused Izaya's hand the first time.

He wondered what would have been of them if they had become friends as the wind softly swayed branches of green trees over them, the sun still shining upon the grass, slowly betraying the sky and changing sides on the horizon, the sound of a ball hitting the ground and kids playing.

A small black head coming out of a giant picture book with the wind softly petting the strands, Izaya was sitting at his side on the bench.

The kid looked as if he were carving his eyes on the book, too focused on blank pages he had claimed were all read and were now boring.

What a liar.

“Why don't you play with them?” he signaled a group of boys playing with a ball not too far away from them. Izaya didn't look up.

He had imagined Izaya as a quiet boy, just not a shy one. The dark haired boy seemed to be hiding behind his book and it seemed Shizuo's voice hadn't called his attention at all.

“didn't you say you were done with that one?” he expected the kid to answer.

Izaya slowly lowered the book, eyes darted and anxious bringing his head up to look at Shizuo with tinted cheeks.   
“Will Shizu-chan buy me another book If I go?” his eyes aren't tainted with malice and Shizuo can't help but feel out of place when Izaya acts all innocent like this. It kills him.

“Probably,” he says, trying to hide his thoughts since he knows Izaya likes to overanalyze, he can't lower his guard even if he's just a kid, he could be pretending only to get on his good side but as Izaya arches his lips into a small smile he doesn't know what to think of it. he wants to think Izaya is just a kid, but it's hard to do so when he remembers all the things they've done to each other.  
  
the boy's lips turn into a shy smile and he nods, running to play with the boys in front of them while Shizuo stays in his thoughts, staring at the sky thinking that a cigarette can't be a bad choice if kids are at a relative distance.

He sighs.

It's difficult not to be able to smoke because the kid hates the smell, he always hated the smell, or so he claims.  
It never really stopped him from getting close to him tough.

 

It was on one of those rare chases were Shizuo was able to get close.

 

Once again he had been tricked.   
The thing he hated the most about this whole ordeal was that he knew everything was his own fault, getting angry had no use but to make him into a sulking mess later.

It was always the same.

The ending, that was, and no matter wich hole he chose to fall into was always the same.   
He would get angry, he would get violent and later he would sulk. Because he hated violence, because he was peaceful and he had yet harmed a person.

It was like the poisonous threads suddenly fell, like a soft wind upon his body, claiming his skin to caress it.   
He could feel his touch behind of it all, the men that were after him always having stupid excuses and threats as threads that moved them, everything was covered by them.

It couldn't stop, It wouldn't stop, seeing them everywhere he went, everything that happened had been the fault of those weird dawn-like eyes because Izaya was just like that.

like a dream.

A flipped over dream.

A nightmare.

  
“What will Shizu-chan do now that I'm at the lion's mercy?” wide ruddy eyes glistened behind thick black at Shizuo, he looked just like cats do when they wait for their prey's useless last breath out of delighted curiosity.

The wild leonine gaze tried to be intimidating but had no effect upon the thin calm features.

Perhaps Shizuo had managed to trap Izaya with using his arms as barriers but he didn't know if that happened because of immense luck or out of Izaya's wish to eagle-eye his actions.   
Whatever he would do next, he didn't really know.

He growled at the irritating slow smirk that made way into the other's lips, like an overwhelming whirlwind destroying everything Shizuo could shout at his face that's why he chose to stay quiet.

“Why are you not shouting anything? I thought I'd get my hearing sense destroyed by now” The raven haired lad had the guts to tilt his head and spread his smirk even more as if offering his eardrums would make Shizuo's mouth open to scream and fall on one of his poisonous threads again.

It was useless to shout so he stared instead.   
being so close to Izaya and yet his mind a blank board.

Cold Ice kissed his neck. Metal.

Of course Izaya would try to get him even madder, knowing that his blades were like chopsticks on his skin. Izaya knew it was no use, he knew Izaya was not stupid, but he also knew Shizuo didn't like being underestimated so he slid the metal caressing one side of his face.

He didn't feel surprised until Izaya's smile melted and a dead thin line replaced the form of his lips instead. Shizuo saw Izaya's eyelids lower a calm expression washing his face and he felt him get closer.

He stilled. Frowning in deeper at the sour scent that slowly enveloped them when he felt warm breath against his neck, feeling his pulse thrumming.   
Raven strands of black hair caressed his skin and he swallowed.

lips began to drag themselves against his neck until they stopped, hearing the words like thin air as the lips moved against his skin, every movement gentler than the next.

“Is that the smell of smoke Shizu-chan?”

and as fast as that moment touched his skin Izaya swung back to stare at him again.  
brows furrowing on pale skin staring at Shizuo's face clearly.  
  
“Izaya-kun,” he whispered lowly.   
the name sounding more like a plea than a threat.  
It wasn't supposed to sound like that, but he couldn't take it back.

Izaya's eyes widened as if he were startled by the sound of his name, but soon they closed again, and he breathed deeply only to look more defiant as he opened them again.

  
A sudden movement slapped his face, feeling a gash opening, and blood pooling down. Taking hold on the small wound with his hand, he took distance only to hear red laughter in front of him.

 

“I hate cigarettes”.

 

 

He suddenly heard the sound of throaty sobs rapidly getting out of the dream-like memory to find the small figure of a kid lonely sitting on the floor a few meters in front of him.   
getting on his knees, Shizuo looked at the kid hiding on small pale knees.

“What's wrong?” he said softly.

He was surprised to find tears washing down the kid's face.   
had the other kids hurt him?   
feeling slow irritation start to creep at his insides. no kid in sight anymore, he had been so lost in his thoughts it seemed he hadn't even heard the kids run away.

“They said I was too bad at catching the ball that it was no use” he watched the little boy sob in between words.

Izaya? Bad at sports? There was probably something wrong with this kid unless...  
“Shizu-chan my head hurts” the kid rubbed his eyes.   
“Did they hit you?” Shizuo said a little frantically. Had the kid gotten his head hit?  
“No, they didn't do anything”

while the kid kept sobbing and brushing his tears, Shizuo felt out of place. He couldn't just stand there watching Izaya cry all on his own.

even if this was Izaya, that had nothing to do with the fact that this was a small kid.

“It's all right,” he said, patting Izaya's head and caressing the black strands gently.  
Izaya started sobbing more and spared silent tears as his arms searched for a hug. Shizuo just sighed and embraced the kid. He felt the warm little body snug closer, a face landing on his neck.   
he felt lukewarm.

“Izaya, do you want to eat cake?”

 

 

He hadn't expected to chortle at the sight of a the kid willing to help with the grocery bags and fail tremendously at handling the weight. Pouting all the way back to his apartment.

“Izaya, are you sure you don't want to give me those bags?”

The kid was having trouble with the weight and because of the bag being so damn big for him, he couldn’t even see what was in front of him.  
Had he not insisted so much Shizuo wouldn't have handed the bags to the kid but he ended giving him some just for his own amusement.

“I can do it, I'm not usele-Aaah!”

and that's how the kid tripped and fell.

Now, he had to carry him.

Luckily no harm was made but Shizuo's patience was cut short when Izaya had felt comfortable on his skin again, and having nothing to do with the trip to Shizuo's apartment, started to ask insane questions again. This time, Shizuo just ignored his rambling until he felt the kid start falling asleep on his shoulders as rosy orange lights faded in the horizon.

He heard the small voice ask “Shizu-chan?” clearly he was starting to doze off.  
“uh?” they were in front of his door now.   
“Shizu-chan smells good” and that's when the kid dozed off.

His keys fell. a metallic sound clicking the floor.   
Had he heard well? Most probably yes, he thought Izaya hated the way he smelled, but the kid had clearly said otherwise. He couldn't ask him though so he just grabbed the keys and laid the child on the sofa.

Izaya looked peaceful, like a doll. His breathing was calm and not annoyingly so. Shizuo looked gently at him and stroked his hair. Maybe Izaya was much more of a liar than he originally thought but he couldn't be sure.

He put on his apron and went to wash his hands.

 

 

 

Seeing these sides of Izaya made Shizuo realize that the suspicions about Izaya having masks were not, in fact, something out of the world.   
It made Izaya more human and he envied that quality in a weird uneasy way.

Shizuo always thought he was never human enough. He had accepted the fate thrown at him since he could grasp the meaning of the word monster.   
That hadn't stopped his will to look for a peaceful life.

While Shizuo always accepted what people threw at him, be it fear, pity, excuses, laughs, disgust. Izaya did the opposite.  
He'd never done something about it because Shizuo knew it wouldn't change anything.   
He'd always remain the same. He couldn't force people to like him, or pretend to be someone else for the sake of people showing him care.

He thought that asking people to accept him would be useless since he had nothing of worth.

but Izaya was different.

even If people knew Izaya was like a water snake in a swamp, moving slowly to their catch, enjoying the moments anticipating their fall they still looked for the poison, for a bite to lead them to a sad deduction.

People bathed in what Izaya had to offer, and all Izaya had to offer were mercurial fangs made of cold deceits.  
Everyone thrived in their high drugged feelings and became lighter at gravity unaware of their feet leaving earth because of their own delusions.  
Izaya tricked people into thinking his poison was the solution. The only answer needed.  
  
He never accepted people as they were like Shizuo did. He was constantly trying to change them.

Izaya played them and tried to make their actions swing left and up and right and down until they were left with nothing and he was satisfied, smirk in the air.

While Shizuo didn't want to change people, Izaya did the opposite.

 

  
“Shizu-chan I'm thirsty,” Izaya said as he rubbed his glassy eyes and grabbed Shizuo's shirt yawning lazily.  
“alright,” he said and walked to the kitchen to grab a glass of milk for the kid. A stenchy smell punched his nose.

He stared at the kitchen's floor.

It was full of eggs.

Broken eggs.

  
“IZAYA!!!!!!”

  
the kid looked at him puzzled. Innocently puzzled, had he done something wrong again? He felt shivers wash his body when he looked at Shizuo's face.   
He suddenly woke up completely and gasped.

“yeah?” he murmured, voice too tiny for the taller man to hear clearly.

“Why are all the eggs on the kitchen floor. Broken?” He needed patience for this, but he felt like dynamite and his tale had already been consumed. At times like these Shizuo decided it was best to throw this kid off the window or into Shinra's dark lab room. That's right, he still hadn't called Shinra to check on the kid.

He unclenched his arms and his frown deflated. He had to remember Izaya was Izaya but a kid nonetheless. “Why would you throw the eggs on the floor like this?”

Izaya looked guilty enough, with a suddenly sad expression. Unbelievable. Was he about to cry?

“I wanted to find a chicken” Izaya's eyes went all glassy again.   
Shizuo slapped a palm to his face.  
“I'm really sorry. Please don't get mad at me?”

A bunch of spilled eggs never killed anybody right?. Shizuo supposed it was ok. He'd only need two boxes of cigarettes after this, but it was ok. No one got hurt anyway.  
The caramel gaze lowered to his knees and he patted the kid's head again. It didn't feel weird anymore.  
The little guy was just a kid after all.  
Izaya was still trying to dry off his tears and adverted his eyes from Shizuo.

“I'm sorry,” he said

Shizuo's eyes turned tender.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally a decent chapter! woohoo, I still feel the lenght is shitty and out of quality but bear with me because I'm still learning how to write as I write this story and well... I hope I at least improve a little!!! hahahahahaha-ouch!
> 
> see ya!


	5. Chapter 5

The room smelled clean, like alcohol clean, the same scent Celty had. It didn't lack warmth, even if the ceiling was white.

The blond young man seemed to be waiting with anxious leg movements and a cigarette.   
“isn't this lasting too much? Is something wrong with him?” he brooded. Black smoke swirled in front of his face rapidly to call his attention.

A Pad was shoved at his face

(He's not in bad shape Shizuo, he's fine)

black trails of thick smoke surrounded him in a reassuring manner, Celty was sitting at his side. Shadows patting his shoulder gently.   
It was the truth. It wasn't that big of a deal, but Izaya had been feeling these recurring headaches almost every day out of nowhere and he felt like an inept since the only thing he knew how to do well was to get angry at that same fact and scare the kid away making him feel responsible for it.   
He was never good with empathy about pain, but he knew how to take care of kids. Being an older brother himself, it was easy but still unnerving.

“Here you go!” the doctor said finally getting out of the lab room. He had a smiley face as always with his arm over Izaya's shoulder, telling him to get tea from the kitchen, the kid now having glasses surrounding his full eyes and a lollipop between his lips.  
he simply hummed and went with Celty who took his hand seemingly squirming in pleased puffs of smoke. Celty surely liked kids.

He never expected Izaya to use glasses.

“Forgot to tell you he always had this problem when he reads, he always preferred sticking to contact lenses though but these will do for now,” Shinra said throwing a small box to a dumbfounded Shizuo who caught it.

He relaxed, It wasn't a big deal like he thought it'd be.

“Is that so...” he looked at the box and tried to sound unconcerned but Shizuo never knew how to hide emotions well. It was something that came with his strength. Or perhaps Shinra just knew him too well.

“the headaches should diminish for now, but I'm not sure if those are also because of his memories coming back... they probably are for that reason”

Shizuo intently listened to Shinra's guesses at what was happening to Izaya now. According to him, he was growing faster than expected and would soon be back to old Izaya, mentioning also that it would cause the kid a lot of pain to grow back to his older self.

It seemed Izaya's memories would slowly creep out and everything would go back to normal sooner than expected. Shizuo swallowed, that's right, it was weird to think about things being normal again so he just brushed it off. He would tend to that problem later.

“how much longer will I have to take care of him?” He trailed the stretched words with difficulty, like a plastic band that would hit his skin if he dared to stretch further.  
“Just until he remembers about his job, and is taller enough... luckily he won't remember about you” Shinra laughed, he really hoped Izaya didn't remember about Shizuo. Everything would be easier.

“It would be dangerous to leave him be if he still doesn't remember about his work... maybe we should wait until he remembers everything” Shinra waved his hands but looked Shizuo in the eye wich unsettled him "he has to remember about his enemies too".

Izaya came from wherever he was with a giant book and opened the thing to read at Shizuo's side, he was already tall enough to sit on chairs and sofas, he even cooked for himself sometimes, under Shizuo's supervision.

Celty's smoke puffed tight forms of shadowy anxiousness, fidgety black bubbles looking at the kid. Shizuo could swear he could read Celty's blushing when she almost punched his face with the PDA

  
(can I carry him?!!!)

“Yeah?, I guess so?”   
why would she even ask me? Shizuo simply stared in awe as the shadows grabbed the little body and flew it to Celty's lap. She pinched Izaya's cheeks who didn't seem to mind, eyes too focused on Shinra's book. every time she pinched Izaya's bubbly cheeks her body squirmed in what Shizuo thought reminded him of Erica's tantrums

 

 

It was weird to walk with the small boy around the city, hands entwined. he wished he didn't mind, but it felt uncomfortable to hear the whispers of people trying to take a guess at the situation so he just paid attention to the kid's rambling.

“Shizu-chan buy me another book!” small glasses now making the door for happy cherry eyes.

Izaya was more interested in encyclopedias and folklore books instead of picture books. He supposed his tastes would remain the same.  
Izaya wasn't aware of his situation yet, something Shizuo concluded would be useful since no one would take care of him if he were to remember his hate.

He couldn't say he didn't worry about the kid since he fed, played and talked to him every day anyway, the only odd thing about this entire ordeal being the fact that Izaya hadn't asked once about his becoming. It was rare to point it out, but it was probably because Izaya wasn't aware of that himself.

He would come to ask one of these days anyway and Shizuo would tell him what happened.

He was starting to ask himself If he would be able to keep treating Izaya as if he hated him after this.

I'll probably stop being violent around him.

He could finally go to work now that Izaya was a little bigger and could take care of daily things alone, at least, until Shizuo came back from work.   
The only thing Shizuo needed to do was to cook beforehand and Izaya would stay in his room reading all the books bought for him. It didn't sound that bad that is until Izaya claimed he didn't like it.

“Can you take me to work with you?” glossy eyes stared back at Shizuo. Not this again. Shizuo looked pitifully at the small features who condemned his actions.

“Izaya. My work is dangerous for kids” he grabbed Izaya's shoulders gently, squeezing a little. The kid just looked at a blank space between the wall and Shizuo's shoulders. Eyes glazed over thoughts.

“They always said things like that too” his eyes sought the floor again.

“Who?” Shizuo crossed his eyebrows. What did he mean?

Izaya opened his small mouth and doubted for a while until the words tripped from his lips “My parents”   
Shizuo flinched.

Then it was true. His parents were never there for him, perhaps that's why he always saw the gaze of the kid as something unsettling before he went to work. The gaze that told him about a feeling he himself would try not to veil over and that a small kid wouldn't be able to dwell over.

Loneliness.

“Shizu-chan?”

the kid pinched at his shirt, anxiously dwelling around his question.

“Alright, you can come over if you listen to everything I say”

Izaya just smiled and Shizuo felt his heart warming.

 

He didn't mind the extra weight on his shoulders when he was working, small hands climbing at his head like a drum. Izaya would be safe as long as he was near him.  
He wasn't surprised when he heard clapping noises coming from behind his neck when he fought, Just like the first time Izaya did when they first met.

The first day they encountered each other, none of them knew what to do about the other.   
Izaya had his humanity standards crushed and Shizuo got himself an annoying stalker.   
Each slash and scratch and punch they fought with always gave the impression to others that they hated each other, but the truth was they were merely curious about the others limits. Shizuo wondered if he'd ever get to catch Izaya for real and Izaya asked himself if he'd trip someday.  
Shizuo never acted unprovoked, but he waited for Izaya to taunt him in advance. Izaya never had a good reason to come close to Shizuo, but he did it anyway.

Every time they laid eyes on each other they wouldn't stop the intensity of their gazes, eagle-like eyes would dance around Shizuo with menacing metal, flashes of red and yellow and black was all they could see while running until the sun went down and Izaya disappeared or Shizuo stayed behind.

He didn't imagine he'd be hearing insane giggling now that the kid knew what Shizuo was capable off. The kids eyes glistened with awe and his breath hitched in a bad demeanor.  
The kid was never scared of his strength, rather he felt like Izaya saw him like one of those creepy clapping monkeys dressed like a circus carnival, no, he was not afraid, he thrived in Shizuo's fits of rage against others, in showing his feral growls and his animalistic instinct break his way for metal and pavement to touch his skin. 

In rare occasions, Izaya would let Shizuo catch him and Shizuo would stare at pools of red for moments too long, lasting. Carving in his mind eyes drinking in the view of velvet.

The first time he had caught Izaya, Shizuo realized he hadn't thought of what to do.  
The second time, Shizuo realized he was waiting.  
Expecting, lingering his hazel eyes upon cold blood.

He always expected something.   
For Izaya to move, for Izaya to come closer and whisper whatever poison he had for him that day, for Izaya to say he didn't like Shizuo catching him nor did he liked the smell he so obviously looked for to inhale every time he got too close.  
for Izaya to say he didn't hate him.

He would never say anything though, and Izaya would only stare back, laughing or bleeding his mouth upwards, twisting lips into smirks and taunts, he would never tell Shizuo to let him go nor would he ask away things he wanted to know.

he would only stare.

Izaya always stayed still, but Shizuo never moved further. They both knew, but none moved further.

  
As much as he hated to hear the clear innocent laughter getting out of the boy's ribcages because it had started to sound exactly as the pest himself, he couldn't bring himself to scream the boy to shut up,so instead, he just let the fire enter his veins on purpose to kick the ones owning the money without guilt.

It wasn't easy for Shizuo to be a debt collector, but Tom-san always helped. He already knew about this whole ordeal in wich he had found himself in. Tom told him he had a great heart for doing what he was doing and Shizuo just stayed quiet.

Izaya didn't give any problems to the debt collector that is, until that thing happened.


	6. Chapter 6

“Here you go”

The kitchen smelled like warm candy, a mushy omelet sat by the side of a plate, red lines swirling at the surface of it forming a happy face.   
The blond man brought the dish to the table where a black haired kid sat, looking quietly at his own fists pressing on his lap like a nervous animal.

The raven haired boy was way too focused on making the point of his knuckles white.   
The pressure exerted over his now numbed hands made him think of nothing. He didn't want to look up.

“Don't want it?” Shizuo asked.

The kid reminded Shizuo of a scared black rabbit, flinching and looking around nervously averting his eyes every time he said something.   
Was he afraid? It could be the case. Shizuo felt a heavy weight thinking about it. If he was scared of his strength he wouldn't cheerfully clap around like a mad child every time he used his strength at those indebted punks.  
It was strange since a few days ago everything was normal and he could talk to the kid with no problems.   
It seemed something was off, but he couldn't point it out so he just waited for the kid to say something. The kid remained rock still.

Probably just puberty.

He sighed.

Shizuo was about to ask what was wrong when he heard the kid grab the fork and start eating, timidly opening his mouth to slowly swallow whatever he had to eat. He started doing the same.   
It felt weird not to be asked about death or time or even the sun and It irritated him.  
He decided he preferred the questions instead of silence

Izaya had grown again, taller, gaining more resemblance to the annoying pest. He was still not a full teenager, his head arriving at Shizuo's elbow and his features growing less chubby, but that didn't bother Shizuo as much as his voice. That voice.   
The annoying deep but tingling voice, charming and yet annoying.

Izaya's voice had changed and Shizuo didn't know if that change between cheerfully-annoying high pitched voice had been better than the now “almost the same as the pest's voice”voice.

It wasn't the kid's fault, but it resembled that voice too much to what it used to be that Shizuo found himself fisting his hands and smoking too much, cut short out of patience whenever the kid talked.  
It made him feel uneasy. He couldn't really hear past it.

Even If the raven haired boy was innocent and didn't really meant anything, Shizuo would still imagine the cockiness out of the deeper sounds. Probably a trick of his mind since Izaya still couldn't remember.

The kid had presumably noticed his change in patience whenever he talked. That was probably why he was acting so quiet and distant. Or so he thought.

“T-thanks..” the kid said, breaking the silence.  
the small boy offered him a clean plate, still looking at the floor, averting his gaze. It made Shizuo feel distant.   
He pressed his palm against raven strands of hair taking the plate. The kid flinched again, he could almost feel the kid trembling, blushing slightly.

“Hey... do you want to buy a book after my shift today?”

Slightly redder but with an approving motion of his head, he approved the question with a murmuring yes, the kid gave the floor a small smile and closed his eyes cheerfully.

Izaya still looked innocent, Shizuo wondered how much that would last.

 

 

 

The weight of the heat on his back felt heavy, but Shizuo still felt positive for today.  
He hadn't gotten angry, not a bit. It was unusual for him not to lose control on days like these, ever since he had Izaya with him he was able to control his temper a little better.

Until that happened.

They were arriving at the last appointment they had for collecting the debt.   
A desolated warehouse was all they took from the address. Something wasn't quite right. It made him feel nervous as if he were standing on a landmine.

They opened the doors of the warehouse and Izaya clung to him like a scared cat. It was dark.  
Suddenly a lot of figures could be seen getting outside the darkness and they found themselves in the middle of it. He straightened up.

“Did Heiwajima Shizuo get a woman pregnant?” one of the men said while all of the others just laughed.

Shizuo saw the thread of his patience about to get cut in half. It had been a really nice day with people paying their debts with little if no violence and these jerks had to just come up and ambush them with shit like that.

He felt Izaya tug at his shirt with much more force. He was probably scared.

“Izaya, stay back” he nodded at Tom who took hold of Izaya's arm and took a few steps behind. Nothing good would come out of this if they stayed close.

Izaya watched with wonder, he suddenly felt relieved when he heard Shizuo growl. It felt familiar, and he turned and found himself charmed by the sight.  
His eyes changed to a delightful shade of red, relishing in the dance Shizuo put before him, trashing at the man with calculations done thanks to pure instinct, unraveling the force in Shizuo's body like an act following a play almost as If the movements were for him and him alone, the thought of it was as preposterous as it was alluring. The mountain of men trying to swallow what Shizuo could offer and failing in being able to resist the fall they chose to end with.

 _Beautiful_.

How these men gave their all to end up with nothing on the dirty floor, the bet of a chance that was fruitless when it came to facing the blonde. Feeling the urge to do exactly the same as those men and giving his all to prove what Shizuo's limits where, adrenaline shot down his spine as he lunged forward a bit, examining everything with a smile that tugged open his mouth and eyelids stretching behind lashes.  
He wanted to laugh but kept silent, something in the face of one of the men who menacingly stared at Shizuo made his stomach churn with anticipation. He was enjoying everything even thought he felt the danger being washed down on them.

When Shizuo punched the man who seemed to be the louder and most preposterous of them, he came cracking his head against the ground at Izaya's feet who was looking in awe, blood washing his features, unmoving.  
Izaya took a deep breath to taste the smell of blood and rejoiced, drinking in the sight, a smile harshly parting almost half of his face, eyes more open than ever.

_I remember._

This was one of Shiki's men, one who had betrayed the Awakusu and Izaya knew Shiki was after him. He remembered he had been stealing drugs to sell them on his own accord and he also remembered he tried to drug him once but failed tremendously at the job.

This man, Izaya remembered, but he stayed quiet while Shizuo finished the whirlwind of bodies getting punched like specks of dust. He felt everytime Shizuo collided a limb against the flesh of one of those men he was cleansing them of their dirt.   
It was mesmerizing for him, he felt his blood pulse, thriving for more. It was absurd.

He was about to start laughing when he saw the same man in front of him, slowly wake up, blood dripping down his face, getting on his side to grab a handgun from one of his pockets making an effort to point it at someone.

he felt his mouth go dry and his hands turn into ice, all the blood inside his body gone for a single moment to return with force to his brain. He was ready to shout, but the splash of glinting metal was too ominous to ignore instead of watching Shizuo unmoving from his place. He knew the gun was pointed at the blonde. He knew he needed to move.  
Izaya didn't lose time to step in front of the gun, arms extended and screaming to block the bullet as he heard vexing out of the muzzle, an explosion that was heard on all the drunken building.

_No._

_This isn't right._

He opened his eyes to look at his wounds and found he didn't have any, he panicked looking behind only to find a startled blonde when he heard metal tickling at the floor down his feet and the gun whirling as a roulette.

the man was dead at their feet because someone had shot first.

“Izaya are you fucking crazy?!!!”

he felt Shizuo shove him against his chest, furiously looking at him as if he could answer what was not yet on his mind. Arms pressing against his back with an iron grip. Shizuo was safe now. But he hadn't been the one to save him. He frowned.

“Heiwajima!” the voice of a man in a white suit resonated in the empty warehouse, he greeted him like nothing had ever happened, as two men who seemed like bodyguards started recovering the body.

“So, are the rumors now true? I see you have a kid there, could it really be true?”

he slowly lurched forward, staring at Izaya who was still with his head on Shizuo's neck. He turned his head with a shy demeanor and was surprised at what he saw.

“Shi...ki?”

both Shizuo and Shiki looked in his direction, Shiki's gaze felt heavy on him while Shizuo just looked agape.  
Izaya signaled the man the bodyguards were taking, a cold gaze in his eyes.

“Tatsuki Abe, 36 years old, worked for you since he was 17 and was planning to ambush sector 4 drug selling section next month to steal supplies,” He said as if the information had just come out of a computer file.

Shiki realized then, this was not a normal child but a familiar one indeed. How it was plausible he didn't know, but he was sure he recognized the red cold gaze, the smile plastered on the kid's face was too similar to ignore asking.

“Orihara?” his face didn't look as serious as it looked astonished.

Izaya was about to open his mouth excitedly when a hand clapped his mouth and Shizuo growled.  
“He's my cousin, not that shitty flea so don't get close to him”

Shizuo looked seriously menacing that even the kid froze at the way he spelled the words, something was wrong in the way Shizuo had said it and Shiki retrieved his steps carefully.

“I see...” he said, calmly analyzing the situation before him. It couldn't be possible but how?

“You know, Izaya has disappeared from our organization's sight..” He said watching how Shizuo scrunched his face even more “or maybe not as we thought” he kept glaring at Shizuo with a dead stare until he made a motion with his hands and the men followed to the back door.

 

 

 

Tom had dismissed him for the day afterward and he was left alone with an averting looking Izaya again. They had started walking again to the apartment and Shizuo felt nervous about the number of things Izaya could have remembered, what if he remembered everything? it wasn't possible or else he wouldn't be following along to the apartment.  
The kid looked bothered and avoided Shizuo, he even walked slightly behind and Shizuo thought that it was probably better to leave him be until he spoke or something.

“I remember” the kid suddenly stopped walking, “I used to be an informant didn't I?” Shizuo froze and looked at him.  
“Yes,” he said in a soft voice, “What else do you remember?”

“I don't know” he frowned, it bothered him “It's blurry”

the kid sighed.

“Izaya, I--”

“most is missing, I still don't remember Shizu-chan or Shinra,” Izaya said and Shizuo realized his body had been tensing the whole time. It wouldn't be pretty If Izaya remembered about him, but he was finally able to relax.It wasn't the time yet.

“Why did you want me to shut up?” he frowned deeper, suspiciously looking at Shizuo. “Isn't Shizu-chan glad I'm starting to remember?” he looked up at him, expectantly and analyzing what Shizuo said next.

“It's not like I'm not glad... I'm just... It's just... complicated, I guess.” Shizuo scratched his head and opened the door to his apartment.  
Izaya felt ignored and cut out of answers.

“Why did you get mad at me? Wouldn't you have done the same for me? About the bullet? Why do you say It's complicated?” Izaya's expression turned to concern when Shizuo didn't respond.

“Shizu-chan?” he tugged at his shirt and Shizuo looked at him with pain in his eyes, uncertain.

“Yes, I would” Shizuo made a motion to get close but Izaya stopped it and pushed him back.

“you doubted,” Izaya said dryly, staring at a white spot at Shizuo's side and frowning.

“you doubted, and why are you so troubled by it?I know I've worked with Shiki-san since I was 17 and It's not my fault if I don't remember anything else!” he almost screamed.

Shizuo looked at him with agony trying to calm him down, Izaya was freaking out and he had never seen this side of the flea before

”Izaya, listen. They can't know you are with me, it would be dangerous” Izaya looked like a wounded wild animal, untrusting. He sliced his eyes and tilted his head.

“Why would it be dangerous? I want to go with Shiki, I know I'll remember faster because you never tell me things about you, or Shinra or any of my friends for that matter, you never tell me anything about myself!” he said even louder, looking defiantly at the blonde.

“I can't force you to remember, you need to do that for yourself! and you won't go anywhere right now Izaya, don't even think about it!” he growled the last part and shut the door with force.

Izaya angrily looked at him, his next words causing Shizuo to almost lose it.

“I hate you!” Izaya said and surprised himself. He didn't notice his eyes were glassy and felt the pressure upon them.

Shizuo looked stunned but soon grew angrier and punched the wall behind him. Leaving a few cracks on it.

He exhaled.

Izaya wasn't on the room anymore.


	7. Chapter 7

Shoes squishing against floor tiles, passages of white walls repeating against every corner, a low growl breaking past his gritted frustration, clenching teeth and shallow breaths.

¨Izaya you bastard! Come back here!¨

This was their every day, the petty chase that always ended the same way.

¨Of what do I own the honor today?¨ the raven purred, suddenly halting his escapade, dark bangs marking his face, pale skin making a stark contrast against raven hair.

Shizuo couldn´t stand the smirk of this asshole, the sight of him was enough to make him lose it even though he didn´t have an actual reason for it, something itching his insides telling him this annoying piece of shit was up to something. He was always up to something.

Clenching his fists and growling further, he heavily exhaled to his side only to look at him with an even more narrowed frown, gazing at the lithe figure before him, at least he had him cornered between the walls. Why were they even here again? As If he could remember, looking at him was all he needed to start spitting fire, looking at the smirking lips waiting for Izaya's body to move.

But Izaya didn't move.  
He just stared back.

He couldn´t stand the way those lips arched up to mock him, eyes glinting with mischief, the one smile that didn't touch his eyes. The cherry gaze drinking up the last drops of patience he was able to hold.

Eyes moved fast around his features when he shoved Izaya's arms against the wall and heard humming, gaze playing in antic behind dark shades of lashes. That gaze shouldn't want this much blood, that gaze shouldn't be breaking into his bones like that. It hurt to look at him so much it was disgusting.

“You are gross” was what came out of his ragged breaths.  
That only made him smirk wider, Shizuo didn't expect to feel enthralled.

Hands slowly guided themselves up to his neck sliding their nails in their touch, thumbs extending to massage the bump on his throat in gentle motions only for those same hands to grab the collar of his shirt with angry force almost crashing their heads when he felt Izaya's jaw press against his cheek, teeth motioning a bite.  
  
“Am I really?” his teeth dragged until they hit the corner of his lips.

He breathed in, staring down at the eyes who were about to eat him whole with just the staring.

It was tiring, the wait was tiring.

He pushed the lithe frame on the wall with force, stopping the influx of air on those lungs and pushed himself on top, lips pressing against the other's with fury.

Fingers entwined with strands of his golden hair, scratching and stretching without the intention of pushing him away as his lips melted on fire, he bit the lower lip asking for permission when red lips opened with a moan.

He pushed himself in Izaya's mouth, as the other complied in pleasure submitting against the kiss and letting him do as he pleased until pain numbed his lips for a moment, tasting metal against his tongue finally breaking the kiss. he had been bitten and Izaya was laughing, cherry eyes shining.

he had been bitten, and he didn't care.

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
He woke up.  
  
He woke up to the same cherry eyes although these were younger ones, innocent ones.

“Why are you up at this hour?” he glanced at the red clock sitting on the table beside his bed squinting his eyes.  
3:00 am, great.

Izaya just stayed quiet, looking at him. _what was it with this brat?_

He looked back at Izaya again, frowning a little, noticing his eyes were glassy as If he were crying. He sighed.

“And?”

Izaya tried to breathe normally but It came ragged and he flushed when he had to fill his lungs with air to speak.  
“I can't sleep!” he said closing his eyes like if throwing a bomb to a tired Shizuo who looked annoyed, he couldn't face him so he only averted his eyes to the floor.

It was difficult to speak to Shizuo after what he had said out of spite, and the misunderstanding of his own goals. Of course, he wanted to remember and he understood that Shizuo cared about his safety since working with the yakuza in the body of a 13-year-old and without his memories wouldn't do. He still couldn't face Shizuo the following days, spending morning and night trying to regain memories on his own. it was useless.

he couldn't even remember who Shizuo was and he couldn't help but think that maybe that was in part, something that also bothered Shizuo. If the blonde man was someone important for him then it would make sense for him to remember at least something of him.

Izaya thought his memories wouldn't come back just like that and he forced his mind to remember tiny things, starting at all the information he knew was used in his work with the yakuza. The only problem about this being that at the end, memories like that came in the form of haunting dreams so he ended up having nightmares about men like the ones they had the pleasure to meet at the storehouse a few days earlier.

Men that only wanted to “Play” and hurt him in unmeasurable ways.  
Izaya ended up waking every coming night and sleeping less and less until he didn't realize he was in front of Shizuo's room, next, in front of Shizuo's bed. It wasn't like he could help it after all.

“Shizu-chan please...” his voice trembled.

Izaya was covered with his mattress, grabbing the edges with his tiny hands forming a cocoon where only his head showed up, Shizuo couldn't tell if he was about to cry or if he only had bags under his eyes.

“Fine...” he moved to give him space and felt the shift on the bed.

“You had a nightmare or somethin'?” he yawned.

Izaya's face was red and covered from the pillow, he barely saw him nod in the dark.

“Izaya look at me”  
he shifted right to look better at the kid and rested one of his hands under his nape but Izaya only shook his head and suddenly stopped when he felt Shizuo's hand run through his hair.

“I'm not mad at you... you know that, right?” feeling the soft locks under his fingers, he traveled his hand to cup one side of Izaya's face who was still hiding half with the pillow.

“I dreamed that you hated me”

the words were heard against the softness of the pillows, but Shizuo stiffened, stopping the caressing motions under his hands.

“Do I look like I hate you?” caramel eyes softened at the sight of the crying kid.

“It's ok to have nightmares Izaya...” One red eye picked from beside the pillow, dried tears shined down his cheeks as he gave Shizuo a small smile that was returned.

 

_Shizu-chan_

 

He wouldn't notice Izaya's flushed face of embarrassment when he hugged him closer to hold him. 

“I have them too...”


	8. Chapter 8

"What do you remember now?"

  
The doctor asked expectantly, too expectantly while shining a bright light on one of his eyes with his flashlight, it was enough to make him uneasy about what he should be remembering. It wasn't like he didn't trust Shinra, but he knew that even if he had remembered almost everything, something really important was missing.

something about Shizuo.

"I remember you, I remember everything about you, but I still don't remember Shizu-chan," he said as he watched said man, furrowing his brows. Shizuo was quiet, sitting with his arms crossed and ticking the floor impatiently, he avoided looking at him in the face these days.  
An uncomfortable air surrounded him, almost as if he didn't like being in Shinra's apartment, something was making Shizuo uncomfortable.

"I see..." reflected the doctor, tilting his head to eye at Shizuo who grunted irritated, turning his head to look at the window.

"anything else?"

"probably? I used to... I used to parkour... right?"

He asked curiously and saw Shizuo flinch from the corner of his eyes, the memories were still blurry. In some of them he could recall a great deal of adrenaline and someone trying to catch him, but nothing would go beyond that. he ignored the thought since his line of work was anything but normal and he supposed it had some kind of sense.

the feeling when you run away from danger but still can't get yourself to avoid it fully.

"Well yeah... but I'd tell you to not try it if you don't remember all the moves... even If you "seem" to have grown I wouldn't recommend it"

Izaya pouted "How boring," he said, dramatically dragging the words.

"Being in Shizuo's house all day every day is boring Shinra! please!" he posed with his arm against his eyes but opened one eye to look at the doctor who sighed. Shizuo looked angrily at him but didn't say anything.

"Izaya, nobody in your line of work would take you seriously as a 17-year-old teenager," the doctor said as he withdrew some tools from where Izaya was sitting.

Izaya looked at him narrowing his eyes for a moment. he didn't like being underestimated, he was great after all.

for all he could remember.

"Fine then"

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
Day after day he had been sitting on his room reading or playing chess with nothing to do. It was killing him. waiting for Shizuo to come to the apartment for the same man to go almost directly to the land of dreams was the same as staying alone all day, there was no difference, it felt empty, boring, without sense.  
Looking at the window like a dog didn't work either, and sure he could go out whenever he wanted, but his mind would punish him with mental images of Shizuo's face concerned and mad, and angry and worried and it just stopped him from opening the door to stroll around the city. He'd beg Shizuo to take him to work, but he knew he had his reasons not to, remembering that the last time they had been out had ended less than pretty. he still felt bad for it and he hated the idea of Shizuo not spending time with him after that, with him talking to Shizuo less and less or to open his mouth only to mock him. It came incredibly natural and he couldn't stop himself to tell Shizuo things he was almost sure he didn't mean. it would still be the only way of calling Shizuo's attention since he had started to avoid him sometimes not even looking at him in the eyes.  
The look Shizuo would give him when he mocked him made a heavy weight enter his body, like a rock that had always been there. his eyes would turn angry but with a hint of something alike sadness, perhaps guilt.   
He noticed that Shizuo knew things about his memories but every time he came close to a question Shizuo would avoid him or tell him that he should remember on his own.

It felt lonely.

Shizuo would only let him go to the bookstore that was practically beside the building and let him help every time they had to go get groceries, but that was it, nothing more, nothing less. he would cook for them when he felt like it, but he liked Shizuo's food much more than his own because even if he didn't like sweet things as much as Shizuo did, he could taste him through it. The way he used sugar to mask harsher flavors reminded him of how he said he hated violence, it was funny to compare Shizuo with his own food, but it made sense for him.

At least he remembered some things.

He remembered about how he was an informant and had a lovely ill-minded secretary, he remembered working with Shiki and having files on all the relevant people on the city, he remembered Shinra and how he had saved him from Nakura, he remembered almost everything about his tastes for the supernatural or mythology.

but he didn't remember Shizuo.

and as much as he tried to remember, he knew it was useless.

When Friday came he was happy he wouldn't have to stay alone trapped in four walls like a caged animal much longer. the only thing he was happy about was that he had found an old book on greek fables, so he finally had something else to do.

"What are you reading this time?"

Shizuo looked at him across the table, looking across the room to an Izaya who was lazily reclining on the sofa with a book.   
He observes the thin figure wrapped around the furniture, It looks like the real informant is nonchalantly reading a book on his leaving room.

just reading a book, not plotting his death or waiting for him to lower his guard to throw him a knife.

Just a book.

nothing more.

He knows he's exaggerating but seeing Izaya being Izaya makes his senses stir. the way he talks and answers is also a reminder of his fury.

"A book," he says, monotone voice and Shizuo frowns, trying not to make his state of distress so obvious.   
Izaya looks at Shizuo's calm posture change into something more active as he answers and chuckles at the sight.

"It's love story," he says, tilting his head to the side so he can see Shizuo with at least one eye, the book covering half his face.

Shizuo's looks at him with aware curiosity but unsure eyes.

Of course he wouldn't understand about the book. It's not a girly story about vampires anyway.

"It's about Cupid and Psyche, a story about how love can't dwell on suspicion" he chooses to close the book in favor of having a view where he can fully observe Shizuo.

"what do you think Shizu-chan?" He says as he drags his body to the other side, resting his head on his arms.

Izaya isn't aware of how fast everything works on Shizuo's brain, how he reacts to every movement and every word but decides to conceal it, he doesn't realize Shizuo's eyes burning his features inside their memory and almost doesn't notice how Shizuo forgets to breathe every time Izaya looks at him intently, waiting for an answer.

"love" he murmurs at first, engrossed on the question he didn't expect to be answering to.

"I think love should be honest above all"

he stays in the thought, his eyes open with sincerity.  
staring at the memories of Izaya's gaze waiting and never moving, daring but never ready to step on the rope, stares just hanging and letting the feeling between their gazes linger for longer than it should, for longer than hate usually allows.  
Shizuo stares at the memories of their every day and how their road never had a clear resolution. he remembers that it always was an in-between and not really something honest because honesty is not to bury your feelings inside expecting silence.

melancholy is the word for Shizuo's expression and Izaya studies his face, hoping to understand Shizuo in his silence and hoping to understand the reason.

Perhaps he shouldn't have asked.

Perhaps he shouldn't have opened his mouth Izaya thinks, as he watches Shizuo grab his keys and close the door, totally lost in his thoughts.

The thing that makes Izaya so uneasy is not really Shizuo's neglect but what Shizuo knows and won't tell, another thing completely.   
He has the need to stare at Shizuo's caramel eyes and stay like that forever, to try to understand him he says to himself, to try to catch a glimpse of what he knows.

He stretches his arms to release the weight of his body and jumps to the floor, maybe cooking won't be a bad idea since its Friday and Shizuo will come back late and hungry.  
Seeing Shizuo eat what he cooks always gives him a strange sensation of accomplishment, Seeing Shizuo do mundane things like sleeping or cleaning or drying his hair makes him wonder how he can be so beastly in the battlefield. he looks so inhuman when he's out of control, but he relishes in the excitement his body feels when Shizuo looks at him in anger, showering him with attention, and even if he knows is easier to have Shizuo lending him thought when angry and tired than happy and gentle he feels it's worth it.   
having Shizuo's eyes upon his is worth it every time, no matter the consequences because he doesn't like being lonely.

 

but for some reason, loneliness is all he can feel when Shizuo isn't there.

As he drags the ingredients to cook, Izaya takes notice of one of the instruments glinting in particular.


	9. Chapter 9

_"I think love should be honest above all"_

That's the thought swirling in his head while he walks down the streets, lights glinting in what's left of the yellow the sun pours over the city, too much aware of how the air feels heavy around him, carrying a weight that he didn't feel it was there until now, It's not supposed to feel this heavy when he knows that he won't be alone when he comes back, he won't have to swallow the emptiness of his apartment, the lack of sound the rooms usually allow.

Still. too still for him to think things he doesn't want to.

He lets go of the last take on his cigarette as he watches the smoke swirl just like his thoughts, evaporating and dispersing just as much as he wants to empty his head, but even when he tries to empty his mind, he can't take control of the steering wheel, driving his thoughts to the same face and the same eyes, the face of worry he once thought impossible unraveling him of many of his doubts.

_He will probably remember soon... and I..._

Shizuo sighs. closing his eyes, trying not to think but he knows it's inevitable.

Sooner or later Izaya will, in fact, remember, and Shizuo doesn't know what he'll do when that happens. he keeps dragging his feet for every step he takes, the artificial lights starting to take life.

After all, whether or not Izaya will keep wanting to kill him when this is all over will be another thing to wait for, and as much as he knows he's a coward for trying to avoid the possible solutions for the ways this could disengage, he chooses not to dwell on all the paths because he's not the only one taking part on this wicked relationship of theirs.

That's right, he thinks, suddenly feeling the heaviness of this frustration overcoming even his legs as he drags his feet to his apartment.

he's not the only one.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Shizuo doesn't expect opening his door would turn into such a disaster and as soon as he opens it he doesn't expect the impact that buries next to his head, claiming the wall in a dry action. he's stunned for a moment as his eyes discover the familiar form of a knife impaled at the wall perfectly. honey eyes afraid of the dark anticipation crawling from the sight.

Of course the bastard had to remember everything now.

Realization hits him like lighting, his throat dries in instant panic and his mind tries to drown his thoughts in denial.

 _It's not the time yet, it's not the time yet, it's not the time yet_... a voice sounds inside his head

his eyes follow the direction from where the knife came and Izaya is looking at him with cherry eyes all too confident, all too happy, that pretty perfect face smiling at him like nothing happened and it's too much for him to bear, he doesn't want to hear the next words that are about to get out of that mouth and in less than a moment, just like lighting in a storm he looks into Izaya's cursed eyes and he realizes he has him pressed against the wall, his hand around a neck gasping for air.

It's funny how the universe likes to see him lose it, even in the most ironic of ways.

"Izaya" he tries to sound concerned, but there's more than just a warning in his voice, the sound of a threat and a plea he can only hope the other reacts to.

"Shi...zu.."

He doesn't realize his face has been washed with anger as he pushes the weightless body onto the wall even more. the lithe body is trembling just like Shizuo didn't expect to shake and Izaya's eyes look too clear and frightened and pleading and something doesn't sit well with them in Shizuo's clouded vision. he should look daring and confident and ready to strike him in this scenario he's not even sure he's in anymore.

"chan..." Izaya says with difficulty as he gasps for air, his fingers trying to tear Shizuo's and Shizuo doesn't understand if this is just another trick Izaya is entangling him in or if this is real.  
Izaya never looks at him this afraid because Izaya would never be afraid of him in the first place. the realization making him loose his hand, still confused as Izaya's knees hit the floor and he coughs from the overwhelming air entering his lungs.

He shouldn't look this afraid unless Shizuo had it all wrong.

"I just... I was just trying it..." Izaya's eyes threaten to spill the tears at their corners. "I didn't know you would open the door and..."

He's explaining himself and that's another thing he'd never do unless he didn't remember and the heaviness increases in his guts at the sight of the one person who shouldn't fear him being in the floor like this.

  
Guilt starts carving way in his lungs.

  
He kneels to have Izaya's head level with his and all he accomplishes is having Izaya's body hit against the wall like a scared cat, hands grabbing his neck trying to erase the bruise that has already started claiming his neck. deep and angry just like Shizuo's temper.

"Izaya, I need you to tell me... what did you remember?" his eyes are frantic when he puts a hand on his shoulder as he watches Izaya's eyes soon look at him angrily.

"Isn't it obvious? I remembered how I used these" he says with a cough, showing Shizuo one of the knives, relaxing a little when he sees the guilt on Shizuo's face, but he frowns anyway.

"What's Shizu-chan's problem?"

and before Shizuo has something to say, that he's sorry, that he didn't mean it, that he was just incredibly enthralled by his thoughts he bites with a cut of words, suddenly looking at him with disdain, his cherry eyes turning into old vinyl wine, bangs of black disheveled hair clouding them.

Shizuo hears choked laughter, the sound of Izaya's own way of coping with what he doesn't get.

"Why do I always feel you are hiding things? is this one of those things you wouldn't like me to remember?"

he looks at guilty honey eyes and at limbs that are not sure what to do when they almost choked him to a lack of air. Shizuo tries to control his breathing, his unexplained worry, his uneasiness, but it's too difficult when Izaya is looking at him with a hint of disappointment, the same eyes that were always hungry for Shizuo.

He watches Shizuo and sees how everything that just happened runs on his head at light speed, his eyes starting to look scared of what he just did when he starts talking, trying to search for the right words as if he doesn't want to scare Izaya more than he is right now.

"Izaya, what happened just now is—" and Shizuo can't finish.

Izaya wants to laugh louder than before and watch him drown in that pity but decides against it, he knows Shizuo didn't mean to almost kill him but with the state things are in, he is not so sure anymore.

"WHAT? I know Shizu-chan hates me.." And caramel eyes turn sorrowful, looking for something in Izaya's own angry eyes.

"I remember when we first met," Izaya says, eyes sharp like a cat's, "How you said you wanted to kill me" he feels the air stiff just as Shizuo's body is when hearing those last words and his insides burn in anger when this is the only proof he needed to gain conclusions on his recent memories. If Shizuo didn't hate him he wouldn't be like this. Of course he does, he thinks to himself but wonders at the same time why would Shizuo do all this if he did. It's insanely confusing, everything is, when it comes to this blond man.

he doesn't show it though, the anger, just like he did in that memory.

  
Shizuo stays silent and Izaya can count every second that passes while still trying not to burn himself to ashes with all the things he wants to ask. Honey-eyes look at him concerned.

"you remember that?" he says and Izaya thinks Shizuo looks too innocent, fuck, he knows Shizuo wouldn't hurt him, but he's confused and doesn't know how or what to think. he can only look back at that memory and remember it like that, Shizuo not giving him a chance just like now, Shizuo knocking his hand with force, refusing to even make his name known, he knows Shizuo would have wanted his head at that time if possible.

The reality of it scares him.

It doesn't feel right to think of anything when he just wants to know the truth and he gives Shizuo an anguished look when he feels the desperation and the anger that are too much for his confused mind.

"I don't know! I don't know who you are!" his head thrums with pain and he can't help but close his eyes and concentrate on it.

"I just know that when we first met you decided you hated me! If it's like that, why are you taking care of me now?" he chokes but tries to laugh at the same time, he's pathetic like that, Shizuo probably thinks that too, pathetic, because it's not fair Shizuo isn't saying anything, it's not fair he's staring at him as if he wants to embrace him but doesn't, as if he wished he could take the uncertainty out of him.

"Look, Izaya, I'm sorry I—!" he feels the hand brush his shoulder with care but pushes against it, he is better out without that pity.

"Sorry for what? for not telling me anything to help me remember? for not telling me you are probably one of my many enemies?  
sorry because the only one who would care enough is also someone who hates me?!" he says not noticing he's out of breath, staring at Shizuo's tired face of regret and pain and when Shizuo doesn't answer his next words have a bitter taste.

"Why are you even doing this?"

He gets up and walks to his room with a heavy sigh and a hurt expression, leaving Shizuo there and wishing he didn't feel like this.

It feels empty again, just like he didn't want to feel, the silence in the room reaching his insides and staying there with the weight of confusion.  
Shizuo drives his eyes at the knife on the wall, trying to find the answers on the form of the dent it left on it, and he knows he already has an answer but he's just too much of a coward to say it out loud, he doesn't hate this kid, he doesn't hate Izaya either, he doesn't want to fight with someone he just doesn't hate anymore.

"I don't hate you anymore.."

 

Shizuo says to the empty room, coming to the obvious realization.

feeling like an idiot for having done everything wrong.

 

 

 

  
"Izaya, open the door" he knocks before saying it, he knows Izaya is mad for what happened just a minute ago, he can understand the bite of frustration just like the one he himself has but at the same time he can't help but have the need to do everything right from now on.

Silence is the only thing he can hear, the ringing of it inside his head. He's sure Izaya is confused and a wreck, who wouldn't be? with the way he used to live his life, full of people wanting to hurt him and having no one to trust, having his worst enemy take care of him when he's the most vulnerable doesn't make it much easier either.

He stops the fruitless knocking and proceeds to hit the door with his forehead sounding defeated, strands of his hair drag against the wood as he sighs.

 

"I don't hate you," He says.

 

loud enough so Izaya can hear his voice and dwell on it, as frustrated as he is.

He hears soft steps stopping at the other end of the door but nothing more.

 

"Izaya, I _don't_ hate you"

 

and the door opens at that, shyly, the room a dark mess of nothing giving just enough light from outside for him to be able to see Izaya's eyes full of anxiety, a dark red melting on his own light-brown eyes. His eyes look red and big and innocent, just like a kid's even if he's not one anymore.

Surprise wavers in his brownish eyes as he feels a pair of arms encircling his neck, black hair tickling the side of his face and he's surprised at how that body fits on his chest.

 

"Shizu-chan is too kind"

 

He knows this action is out of place in their world, but as he hears the next words he's too guilty and too lost on Izaya's scent that he can't help but hug him back

 

"I know you didn't want to hurt me"

 

Izaya sighs against his clothes and presses against him once more. Shizuo is too dazed, his mind a white board because he's overwhelmed by the feeling of Izaya against him and barely takes notice of the timid light kisses, almost non-existent, moving slowly along the line of his collar.  
soft lips that are pressing against his neck, unaware of how he twirls his head to give more skin for those lips to kiss. the heaviness turns to an empty weight and he feels liberated by the way those lips press on his skin.

He gets lost in those sensations.

in Izaya's smell, in Izaya's soft lips, in Izaya's arms against him, holding him still but unsure and he looks down to look at Izaya who is staring at him, eyes glazed and half-lidded, he feels the ghostly breath on his lips next and doesn't refuse when they press against his own, Izaya's taste is melting on his mouth, and it tastes better than in all those dreams he had, it tastes better than his imagination had let him know, it tastes like a sweet bloodshed he knows is as dangerous as his strength but those lips massaging the insides of his mouth feel as delicate as Izaya's frail body feels on his chest.

It feels too good for him that's scary how much he didn't know he wanted it, how much he didn't know he craved for it, so he lets Izaya take his mouth and doesn't comprehend the reaction his body has when Izaya sighs a moan between their lips and realizes it also feels like conflict, clashing the weight against him again, and it suddenly feels wrong because he can't help but feel guilty and can't help but feel mistaken and when they part, suddenly and breathing harshly for air Izaya wishes he hadn't opened his eyes because Shizuo looks mad with himself and looks as lost as he looks scared.

Izaya still moves further, looking for a signal in Shizuo's face, but he feels Shizuo's grip on his shoulder, stopping him.

 

"Izaya, we shouldn't"

 

He averts his gaze, but the honey eyes soon find the courage to stare at cherry ones.

 

"We shouldn't do this without you remembering everything" he feels Izaya's hand cupping his face, a thumb pressing at the corner of his lips.

 

"I don't care, I want to—"

 

"you are supposed to hate me,"

Shizuo says in a firm voice and Izaya knows Shizuo is probably right, but he can't help but not remember anything past their first encounter and his love for knives.

 

"But—"

 

"You hate me Izaya!"

 

Shizuo doesn't realize he's screamed until Izaya's eyes widen astonished by it, backing away from him as if he was just burned by the words.  
Izaya looks down, the bitter taste of Shizuo's rejection starting to numb his senses.

 

"Just... just don't do that again"

He hears Shizuo say before he closes his bedroom door and It suddenly feels cold, everything feels cold and dark and he can still taste Shizuo on his mouth.

 


	10. Chapter 10

  
_numb_

that's what the white wall he's reclining on feels like, half of his face against it like he just wants to disappear completely inside of it, making himself as numb as he can, it's the cold apathy in uncomfortable insomnia that leaves circles around his eyes, and even if the bed his in is soft and calls for warmth, he can't get himself to plaster his body on it because his mind is flashing everything that happened tonight, every image, every word, every thought.

He wonders if he's a masochist when he chooses to push the play button in his head and hit it again and again showing the images against his eyes. making him duller each time.   
How Shizuo held him against the wall with a murderous gaze, hate itself melting in his yellowish eyes and harsh exhales breathing his name in hate, how he soon realized his mistake and took the face of a kicked puppy when he lashed out, the face of concern that swirled warmth inside of him when he said _"I don't hate you"_ , and the face of disappointment he had -whether for Izaya or for himself- after he kissed him.

The tip-tocs of the clock beside his table are the only sounds he hears when he gets up from his pitiful trance. It's 2 AM in the morning and he already knows he won't be sleeping. At least not for tonight.

As he opens the window he can feel the wind caressing his body, how he didn't remember the way the air of the night felt in his skin is beyond him, making his soul twitch in all the things that unravel in the dark corners of the city. the nightlights inviting him out to see.  
He missed it, the night, or maybe the night missed him, he thinks as he drags his feet over the window's sill and trails along just like a cat would, tasting the distance of the other buildings first, feeling the movements of his body maneuver even before he takes the a chance to jump.

It's funny how easily his body remembers, how his muscles are supposed to flex against each other to achieve what he wants, the irony of it because it's not as easy with his mind.

He travels around, remembering Ikebukuro's streets, his streets. they are so much easy to trail in his mind, just as if they were burned in it. the cafes, the pubs, the parks, the station and the places with shady businesses.

It would be easy to go to his house in this moment, and he's sure he will in the morning. as he's getting watching his city at the top of the sunshine building he laughs at how Shinra took all his keys but forgetting he can peek locks like any other normal kid.   
He sighs. now that he can be himself again he doesn't feel as glad as he thought he would when he imagined having recovered most of his memories. He knows he's forgetting something, something deep inside his very soul that he just can't stop searching for, something that has nothing to do with anyone but himself and he hopes that it comes to him sooner than this.

After all the things that disentangled with his caretaker, he can't let himself be around Shizuo anymore. It's not a matter of choice but Shizuo's choice, even if he knows Shizuo worries about him it, he doesn't want to dwell on rejection and that thought settles with a heavy weight inside him as he frowns.

  
The night's fresh, unmoving as he keeps wandering around, the white on his skin even colder at night. It feels like hours have passed, but the moon is still shining brightly in the sky.

Izaya feels the air around him start to get cold, he can almost see the thin transparent white his breaths give to the air in front of him. even if he knows himself to be a night creature he starts feeling tired with the lack of sleep.

Izaya doesn't get notice of the steps behind him when he walks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So! I think I get better bit by bit with writing, feel free to give me critique! it benefits me!
> 
> anyway, I was thinking. would you like for this story to have a happy ending? or a sad one? I'm fine with anything you guys ask!
> 
> and since this is coming to a conclusion in a few more chapters. I have a few stories I want to write! I just can't decide for one. they are AU's though so bear with me!
> 
> the first one is about them being childhood friends and then not so much -in this one they are chefs-  
> the second one is with them meeting in a music academy (classical music setting) -with them hating each other at first-
> 
> so! wich AU do you like? or do you prefer normal Ikebukuro's settings best?


	11. Chapter 11

The floor was cold. It felt like hard ice crunching his bottom. he should have taken his coat with him. He knew he was awake, conscious. but he couldn't see anything much less move his feet or his hands that seemed to be tied roughly. He couldn't remember how he ended up like this. the last thing was the view at the top of sunshine, walking down the streets, arguing with Shizuo...

It really didn't feel like much time had passed since someone had as it seemed, kidnapped him.

A cold feeling sunk on the pitch of his stomach as he heard voices coming from an opening door. all of them male, probably 3 or 4 as one of them pointed he wasn't asleep anymore, mocking as if this was funny. crouching in front of him to harshly take whatever they were covering his eyes with, his eyes squinting at the lights of what seemed to be a warehouse. the man looking at him like if he had won a prize.

_Of course._

"Well, well, look what the night brought to us"

He remembered this man.

 

 

 

 

  
Shizuo woke up to the crushing beat of his cellphone.

glaring at it and cursing under his breath, he begrudgingly took it. He had just fallen asleep a few hours ago and now his cellphone was ringing when all he wanted to do was close his eyes and keep sleeping without thinking about everything. Anything!.  
He turned around to face his nightstand, his mind still groggy when he slashed the screen to find the sender was the black bike rider and that there was more than just one message. sighing he went through them as he became more awake.

[Hey, sorry to bother you...]

[Is Izaya with you?]

[I think I just saw him]

 _No_ , It couldn't be. or at least he hoped so.  
Without giving it a second thought, he rushed to Izaya's room and knocked a little too frantically on it. Of course he was there, he wouldn't go out at night like this alone. He tried once more before he started to yell Izaya's name even louder until he couldn't restrain himself and forced the door only to find an empty room.

and the window open.

of course.

He was such an idiot.

 

 

  
[Celty, I need you to tell me where you saw him]

 

 

 

  
"What are we going to do with you now Informant-san?"

That's right. that's _exactly_ what he wanted to know.  
These men where Tatsuki Abe's. the man Shiki had not so gracefully killed in front of him and Shizuo a few weeks ago.  
These were indeed his men and the one in front of him, his dear little brother.

"Aaah.... Hiro Abe" He said, tasting the disgust in his tongue and almost chuckling to wich the man only frowned with angry eyes.

"So you do know everyone in this city as the rumours say..." the man said, taking the dirt under his nails with a knife. how disgusting.

"My men here say my brother's death is your fault y'now?" He signalled the group of men behind him smirking at them.

Of course they would think that.  
You reap what you sow after all, and Izaya seemed to be really well known when it came to ruining other people's lives. it was his job, he just couldn't help telling Shiki about these men meddling with the Akawusu and cause them to go to hell and down. After all, It's a bad idea to steal drugs from the yakuza and hope they don't find you are stealing from them.

It was his job after all and he could only smirk wider when the knife touched his cheek. Of course they'd try to harm him. now it was up to him to get out of this.

"Now Now, Informant-san. They didn't say you were this pretty" he heard the man say as the knife moved to turn his head to the side. the other men laughing at his boss. This only made him frown for a second, realization hitting him like a splash of water.

_No._

 

 

 

  
He was breathing frantically, running as fast as he could. It was impossible, this wasn't supposed to happen, no, everything was his fault for lashing out like that at him.

Celty had said she'd seen him walking on the outsides of the city. Of course, the idiot would have gone that far away when mad. He was just so sure everything would come back to normal in the morning, but that was naive, even stupid. thinking back he was just in denial about Izaya and he would take that back, he didn't need time, Izaya was the one who needed time, but he had been rough with him and now he regretted it. He just had to find him now, he couldn't be that far away.

the moon was still up, the outsides of the city glowing as if laughing at him. how would he be able to find Izaya anyway? he sure hadn't thought about that. Celty had said she had seen him on this part of the city. he could well be back in Shinjuku for all he knew.

but this part of the city smelled of him.

 

 

 

"Oh, so now you are fighting!"

They had opened a box full of little puffers. Izaya was sure they were going to make him swallow whatever was inside of them so he struggled when two of the men grabbed him by each of his arms.

"This is going to be quick y'now? we want you to enjoy it too, we can't have you screaming all around yeah?" he said as he grabbed Izaya by the chin while ruby eyes looked at him in disgust and then pushed the object into his mouth pressing it, wide ruby eyes panicking.

The discharge felt cold and slow against his lungs and mouth, entering his insides like a white gas and strangely filling him.

It felt extremely good.

He widened his eyes when he felt the drug travel around his veins to every blood vessel and make him experience an amazing euphoria that shook his spine. It was like liquid fire burning his insides with pleasure. He closed his eyes to let the drug take him and he welcomed the colors that entered his vision and took his conscious mind self hostage.

he almost forgot what they were about to do to him. He felt his shirt disappear in the air with different chromas as he was plunged against the wall, his vision going wild with saturated colors wherever he looked. A part of him telling him something was definitely in the wrong while the other just told him to enjoy whatever lights he was seeing as a sudden heat started creeping his lower parts. his eyes a mess of dilated pupils only made him open his orbs wider and moan when he felt a hand palming him and feeling him all around.

"woah! look at this! that was faster than I expected"

He felt a sudden shadow whisper to his ear while his pants were being undone.

"This is how we like our whores" he heard laughing and hands unbuckling his belt. he suddenly felt desperation.

"No..." he said panting, breathing harshly and causing his chest to fall up and down, sweat starting to creep from under his skin and barely coming out of his trance. he wouldn't let them do what they wanted, but his hands were still being gripped.

He felt his body arch at the way the man started pinching at his nipples with force. the sensation of pain being overpowered by the heat of the drug, it didn't take a minute for Izaya to get hard, his cock already twitching.

"No.. I can't..." He tried to push the man with his body, but this only encouraged him further.

He felt the sudden weight above him crash the floor thanks to a heavy force that shook the man out of him.

He couldn´t see right anymore, only movement showing itself as ethereal forms on his vision. his hands were freed and the other men were put aside violently flying away like a tornado while his ears sang for him the growl of a beast that tingled his ears.

He felt his body fainting while his head thrummed and he recognized a blond head sticking out of the blur of color, caramel eyes full of concern that washed his insides with warmth.

¨Shizu... chan?¨

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh, my god, this turned out to be much longer than I expected so bear with me! I really want to make another story but I won´t until I finish this one or else I´d feel bad about it.
> 
> So please enjoy!


	12. Chapter 12

Everything's engulfed by warmth.

Like a comfortable fire in a cold night, His mind still disarranged and blurry out of thoughts that can't form themselves to be still.   
It's calm when he opens his eyes and adjusts them to the light coming from the window, the city's _quiet_ , just like the room he's in.  
Shizuo's room it seems.

He can hear Shizuo in the kitchen, the cursing under his breath that makes a giddy feeling in his chest but doesn't want to go there yet. his body feels dirty, his mind even dirtier when he's able to recall and stands still, his red eyes growing bigger the same way a pain flashes and grows in his head.

His feet are light against the tiles when he undresses himself.  
The water feels right against his face, bands of black hair plastering to porcelain skin. It wanders again, his mind wanders, it travels to the night, to yesterday, and it's so far away from the moment that's now, the detachment feels familiar.   
How they drugged him and how Shizuo came to save him.   
He still feels the dirt, the black heavy feeling of knowing he isn't himself yet. knowing there's something missing. knowing that If he was whole yesterday wouldn't have happened.

but something is _lost_ , he just doesn't know what.

The guilt is also there, just like Shizuo's face of worry and disappointment, sad yellow eyes growing angry at him, with sorrow.

He sighs as he looks down and the water stops, traveling down the drain that takes part of the heavy blackness with it. It has settled there in his stomach still, he knows.

But thinking that Shizuo came for him makes it better.   
Even if he knows Shizuo considers him an enemy, a nuisance.

_"I don't hate you"_

Shizuo's words are still present

 

 

It burns his hand when he tries not to scorch it again, the food that is.  
Izaya will probably be hungry when he wakes up.   
It's difficult to control himself when he thinks about the way he found them. how close they were to touch him in that way, how out of himself he was when his hands destroyed those men to pieces. The way he looked and the way he called his name, with hopeful sorrow that buried in his conscience as a reminder of how stupid he was not to see he'd run away after fighting like that.

Izaya's beautiful when sleeping.   
That was the thought inside his head when he put the other's body in his bed to rest.

Shizuo is still angry though, to himself more than any other. It's his fault Izaya almost got raped, It's his fault he's dishonest with his feelings.  
He doesn't realize he's burnt the eggs again, grunting at himself for not being able to control his anger and getting frustrated for a bunch of badly cooked meals when he hears soft steps behind him stopping against the open kitchen door.

He feels the intense gaze as he turns around.  
Izaya is there, watching him with an unreadable expression on his face, before those red eyes lock with his he can trace the hair that sticks to that face. A jet black that makes his skin glow when wet, a heavy contrast that he now notices, makes his chest tight every time.   
Izaya is even more beautiful when wet.

It's no wonder his mouth took the breath out of him, and when Izaya takes steps to get closer, he can feel the time tick tac slower against his chest with every step the other takes until he's watching at him, leaving a few distance for Shizuo that he dares not to take, cherry eyes locked with caramel, searching for something in his face and he wonders what is he searching for when Izaya leaves him even more nervous because everything is more obvious about him when he's closer.

"Say it again"

He hears Izaya say, too enthralled in the red gaze to even look at his mouth, a few seconds passing when the words settle and find the meaning he seems to be searching for.

"W-wha—?"

"Say it _again_ "

Izaya repeats. He's still waiting for Shizuo, his eyes moving and traveling around his face still searching for him there. Izaya wants to know and Shizuo has decided a long time ago, even If he tried to deny it at first, even if he didn't realize the answers were there all along. And It becomes clear to Shizuo when he realizes Izaya's been waiting longer than him, he understands the frustration of hope that grates Izaya's lips with those words, the same feeling he has right now, the feeling that makes electric nerves ride his spine when he decides to answer.

"I don't hate you," Shizuo says, and something akin a sigh escapes Izaya's lips, barely audible for Shizuo to notice.

"Again," he says anew, Izaya is not moving but waiting for him to move and so he does. It takes his nerves to drag his feet to where he is now. but he doesn't care because Izaya is here, and he doesn't hate him and Izaya is fine and he's out of danger and he just looks tired from the world around him and he could say it a million times again If Izaya wished for it.

"I don't hate you" Without realizing, Shizuo's eyes have turned warm, and half-lidded, he's looking down at Izaya now. Izaya's face hasn't moved one bit, just like his body. He's just looking at Shizuo now, the unreadable expression still numb on his face, blank seriousness commanding him to dare. Shizuo is still trying to stop the sudden need for air that makes his lungs ache and make his breathing sound like panting.

"Aga—"

and he can't stop his body for all he cares. Surprising Izaya the same way he just surprised himself. He's kissing at him now, every movement feels like a plea, a scream he can't contain. and Izaya starts moving in tandem with him, his lips feel soft against his skin. Izaya's astonished at first but slowly lets himself melt in the movements the blonde is offering at him, he doesn't feel when his eyes close and his hands touch Shizuo's back, burying the other in Shizuo's hair while Shizuo does the same and nips at his lower lip so he opens his mouth with a moan that only makes Shizuo more desperate.

He lets Shizuo enjoy him all he wants, he lets himself feel the electricity that moves and travels to every muscle as he feels their tongues entwine and their lips crash leaving them without air to breathe. Shizuos mouth feels like ashes and he likes the bitterness it comes with it.

When they separate for air he just presses his body to Shizuo and he hugs him, he's afraid of looking at the yellow gaze now, seeing it churn with pain wouldn't make this feel as right as it feels.  
Those big hands are caressing his hair and Shizuo looks down only to kiss him again. his heart skip a beat as small sounds escape his mouth when this time those lips are more demanding, more heated.

  
It's difficult to ignore the flush on his face, the warm color making it more obvious when red cherry finally looks at light brown.

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

They are endless.

their kisses.

It isn't long until he feels his body being pushed gently on the bed. Their clothes now mostly on the floor of whichever room they are in, Shizuo's or his he doesn't know. he doesn't really care.

"I don't want to hurt you" he hears him say. his thumb is caressing Shizuo's strong jaw. he looks curiously at Shizuo when the words settle, _stupid_ words he thinks.

"Those are stupid words"

"I trust Shizu-chan," he says with a smile

a sting of hurt flashes against the caramel gaze, rapidly replaced with confidence as Shizuo kisses him gently, leaving him drowsy enough, a silly expression on his face.

Everything makes him dizzy. The dim light, the quietness of the city, the feel of Shizuo's lips crashing on his while his eyes close, lungs gasping for breath. The look those eyes have. He can feel the shadow of _lust_ flash against his red eyes, but Shizuo's eyes are tender, _warm_.  
A nurturing color.

he wonders how his are, besides the lust.

Shizuo's mouth tastes bitter. A taste he didn't think he could forget even If he wanted. His scent is raw and it disperses through the air. it entwines with his own and he likes the way they mingle, it takes his focus to their touches alone.

Large hands ignite shivers that move down and up his body. When Shizuo touches his skin, he shudders and welcomes it like a wave. a wave that feels dangerous.

As Shizuo bites his neck he can feel the warmth grow, yes. Shizuo is just like a wave, an immense sea he's drowning in and his eyes are tainted by the sun just like his skin.

there's a danger that lingers in Shizuo's eyes, even if he were to be careful he would still come out broken. Shizuo is _dangerous_ , but that only makes Izaya _desire_ him more.

Izaya's eyes widen and he sighs a moan when Shizuo bites his neck.

he could decide to kill him with nothing but his fingers, but he's deciding to give him pleasure instead and Izaya knows this.

_he gets off on it._

Shizuo's strength is being as tender as it can because of him.

But that doesn't mean it hurts any less.

He moans again when Shizuo attacks his neck over and over, biting Izaya's tender skin like prey.

_Out of dominance or not he doesn't care._

Izaya grabs him by the hair and tugs at it like a little kid, pressing with long fingers that don't know anything besides desperation.  
their exhales are just as deep as their longing. tugging and playing with their minds.  
Shizuo doesn't know how to place the expression he sees on Izaya's eyes. If he's desperate or hungry he doesn't know. he can only look enthralled into red eyes, dilated black.

  
Without realizing it, Izaya shudders and pushes his hips up while he's still whimpering in both pain and pleasure thanks to the ministrations on his neck. It's embarrassing how his body reacts to just a bite from this man, It makes him frown how It clearly shows on his flushed face and half-lidded eyes.  
He can feel the hardness tied to their blood and hurries Shizuo to take his last piece of cloth because he can't take it any longer and Shizuo obeys him. just as he obeys his body.  
He has been touched by the dark fire in Izaya's eyes and is now lost in it.

"It took you long enough," Izaya says. half laughing and half sighing as Shizuo pecks him again and he quickly does the same.

And Shizuo thinks that if he were a bee Izaya would be honey.  
And he may as well just drown in it.

Shizuo frowns when Izaya smirks, he knows he's staring but he's not the only one, he decides, as he twinges one of Izaya's nipples and savors the reaction he gets out of it.

The way Izaya arches his back aching for him. the way Izaya's body is pleading for more and wants to undeniably get him closer, his hips bucking against him.  
He moans when Shizuo starts pumping his length to life, writing circles on his ribcage and he jolts when a powerful hand grabs his member, he curses as he can only grab the sheets below him and gasps in pleasure when Shizuo drags himself lower and slowly puts his cock in his mouth.

The wet cavern pressing against his member almost makes him jump when he feels it, he hisses at the sudden hotness of a sinful muscle, the tongue moving without guilt around his shaft making his body tremble. Slowly dragging it.

He can't help but try to bite his own fist if that could help with the lewd sounds that he didn't know could come out of his mouth when the other's tongue is just playing with his member like that.  
Shizuo grips one side of his hips so he stays in place, he squirms and the pain that causes -because Shizuo's strength is hurting him, but he won't say it- is only welcomed as pleasure on his mind.

that's right.  
  
He's probably a masochist when it comes to sex.

It hurts and it will leave bruises in his pale skin, but it doesn't matter because Shizuo is his now and it doesn't matter because pain and pleasure are the same when it comes to him. Shizuo's tongue is magnetic, it makes his spine shiver and arch with electricity and he looks down to grab a hold of blond hair. he's close. announcing to Shizuo with pleading eyes.  
It's embarrassing when Shizuo's eyes are like a beast's that only wants to devour him whole when he looks up at him. The beast's eyes are fierce and he wants to dare him even more.

dare him to crush him between Shizuo's arms, dare him to go with as much force as he can and break him whole.

Shizuo's eyes are the color of warm honey.

And when Izaya looks down he's afraid he will drown in them.

The hot sparks travel down his navel and lower and he's just so close when he suddenly feels cold and his mind is too dazed and hazy by Shizuo's scent that he doesn't feel the swing his body takes. Shizuo's hands suddenly at his hips, his face almost at the same level with his lips.

Shizuo is making him sit straight in his lap.

his legs straddle Shizuo and he can feel his face even hotter when their members touch, so little space between them. it makes Shizuo's huffs of air more constant and harsh.

Without being conscious of it, Izaya's legs open a little more at the sight.

He can only take the opportunity to hear a groan of his name when he drags wet kisses on that strong neck, nipping the flesh tenderly, trying to incite the blond to do even more things to him, bucking his hips slowly and feeling the other man sigh because of it, because they ache for more touches and he grabs that back tighter when he feels Shizuo's hardness is as desperate as his, leaving marks with his fingers.

He tries to grab their erections for contact, but Shizuo stops him. he feels a finger at his bottom, spreading his cheeks when he thought it couldn't get more arousing, pressing at his puckered entrance.

the words Shizuo mumbles tenderly are more distracting than the little pang of pain he feels.

He hisses as the finger slowly drags itself in and out of his hole.

His walls are tight just like the hold on Shizuo's shoulders. he tries to look at what's happening but Shizuo stops him with a bite at his bottom lip and he lets his tongue explore everything when he opens his mouth, making their wet muscles touch with affection.  
The pain is mostly subsided when he feels another finger prodding at his entrance, this time, scissoring motions that come with tiny pleasure, slowly subduing the pain he felt at first.

It's no wonder his hips have started to move on their own, Shuddering with each delicious thrust Shizuo's fingers give him, he doesn't notice he's started to follow his lover's rhythm, trying to reconcile the circular movements he can feel the fingers are making inside of him, his arms instinctively locking on Shizuo's neck and he's suddenly fucking himself with that hand.

He can only drag the tip of his tongue lazily along Shizuo's bottom lip, drinking the breaths those warm lips offer him. licking the skin.

Izaya is lost in the glow of honey eyes, he's lost in the almost smirk Shizuo's giving him. probably because Izaya feels nothing but amazing with those digits doing wonders down his body, it must be obvious he's drugged by them, barely able to make words come out right.

The tantalizingly slow movements they are making.  
Shizuo's hardness against him.  
The way Shizuo's scent rests in his strong neck when he hides and nips at it

He thinks he's been _drugged_ by Shizuo himself.

the fingers start going at it harder when he feels them going up to the hilt, curving themselves in a harsh motion that makes him jolt instantly.

when he jolts he hears a scream, he's not aware it's from his own lips because his vision goes white for a second and his mind crumbles to pure bliss, he wants to keep feeling that amazing sensation Shizuo is giving to his flesh now, sadly he's decided to throw him at the bed again and he is barely able to mumble his disagreement.

Shizuo is looking at him with so much desire Izaya just wants this to never end. he frowns at the hand that is no longer ravishing him and his mind can't compensate the lack of pleasure he was feeling just seconds ago, he's beyond him, he's lost already.

_He already drowned._

When he opens his legs to invite Shizuo in, he doesn't expect to see the flash of pink on the other's cheeks when he says the words, tugging at Shizuo's head and tilting his neck inviting him.

" _Fuck_ me Shizuo" Izaya whispers

And Shizuo can't control the twitch his member gives him when he hears it. Izaya is there, disheveled hair and flushed skin.

His milky legs sprawled for him and only him. and he can feel it, fuck, he can see it in Izaya's lost eyes, the same kind of hunger, the same kind of want he has. He wants this just as much as Shizuo.

Positioning his member near those delicious thighs, he drags one of Izaya's legs up and slowly dips in the latent warmth Izaya's body offers him. the walls clench around him and constrict him, the raven's hole asking to be ravished.

Izaya can feel the pain as he buries his nails on Shizuo's flesh, feeling his skin giving way to the hot, pulsing member he's cursing under his breath. Shizuo takes notice of his discomfort and kisses his leg, making circles on it with his thumb, the touch distracting Izaya enough to look at him, eyes glazed like glass.

Shizuo sinks his body to kiss him, causing Izaya to cry in a whimper when his length only falls deeper.

It hurts. It feels like he's breaking in two

Shizuo groans to the tightness Izaya's body engulfs him in. He doesn't move and It's hard as fuck not to move, Izaya has his eyes closed tight, trying to concentrate on the pain. he can feel it by the way Izaya's nails are marking his skin.

"Izaya"

"Izaya, Just relax," Shizuo says. and Izaya looks at him, eyes frowned, reprimanding him with his eyes alone.

 _easy for you to say_. Shizuo can practically hear it.

He can see tears and can hear the quickening of the raven boy's chest. Izaya's eyes close in pain again and Shizuo can only kiss the corner of his cheeks and mouth, his member begging him to start thrusting inside that tight hole

He's kissing Izaya's neck now, dragging kisses against his jaw. hands are tugging at his head. he blows his ear and kisses it as Izaya's back arches at the touch.

It's too much for Shizuo to handle, to have Izaya at his mercy like this.

To let Izaya have him at his mercy like this.

He hungrily kisses the lips that are now red for so much use and a few seconds pass until Izaya answers him, grabs him by the neck again and kisses him back with as much force to forget the pain, until his body is remembering the movements earlier and feels pleasurable enough to start moving his hips in tandem to their kisses. his arms crush Shizuo's neck to bring him closer.

And Shizuo takes Izaya's movement as a signal and starts moving, slowly dragging his member outside to fill the hole with more force. moans starting to fill the room when he quickens his peace.

It feels so good to move in and out of that tiny body, listening to the moans he's been wanting for so long, listening to them like a song that grates his ears and is as sweet as Izaya's skin. 

_So fucking beautiful_

Izaya's hips are now following his thrusts, _faster_ and _harder_ than a few moments ago and he can hear Izaya saying those words even though he doesn't voice them.

because Izaya can speak with the way his legs are pressing at his sides, asking him to angle to that spot again, until he can't see anything but white light that stays inside him.

He fucks Izaya _harder_.  _faster_.

  
greedily taking everything he can, drinking all the screams that come out of his mouth like sweets.

 

"you feel so fucking good"

 

Izaya's loud moans are desperate. red eyes aroused, completely black.

the bed is creaking below them, his thrusts going deeper with each swing of his body and Izaya is praying his name in strangled noises that make him do the same with his voice.

Izaya feels like he's going to break as his toes curl, he can feel the bruises start to form in his body and he doesn't care because those are Shizuo's and that's the only thing he needs to know to enjoy them like caresses.

Shizuo's movements are violent and Izaya likes his thrusts just as raw.

He wants to feel Shizuo there. he wants Shizuo to ravish him, to feel his walls clenching against his throbbing member, letting him use him and leaving him used. filled with his essence.

 

he wants Shizuo reciting his name like a prayer.

  
Just like he's doing now.

 

They both cover themselves in a thin layer of sweat as Izaya tightens, looking into each others eyes. Shizuo pumping his member making him shudder in pleasure.

when Shizuo bites hard on the raven's neck and Izaya's eyes go wide, he welcomes the pain just like the white of his vision.

His walls close tight on Shizuo's erection.

And he blissfully comes, Shizuo's name in his tongue.

Spurts of white the testament of all he's experienced.

 

 

His cock throbs when he takes all Izaya in.

 

the smirking lips that clash against his.

  
his dark lashes.

  
the moaning of his name when he comes

 

 

Shizuo thrusts with force a couple more times until those walls milk him dry, spasming when he releases himself inside of the raven reciting his name, staining Izaya's walls with cum.

A weird feeling of meekness grows in him as he feels Shizuo's discharge inside of him, the cum warm and deep against his walls, filling him completely, with spasms of pleasure he can still feel the phantom movements of Shizuo's thrusts as the cum slowly drips outside of him.

 

A reminder that he's been taken.

 

Shizuo turns to his side, rolling out of Izaya while he's still experiencing the spasms of orgasms with his eyes closed, relishing in the last sensations Shizuo's member gives him when he slides out of him.

 

  
  
Izaya's face is one of pure extasis.  
his lungs are trying to stop the movement of his chest.

 

An arm tugs him closer to Shizuo.

He closes his eyes.

It feels warm.

 

 

Warm.

 

  
Just like the words he doesn't hear when he falls asleep.

 

 


	14. Chapter 14

"Izaya..."

 

 

Blue.

 

A dark blue.

  
That's the color layering his face. a figure half-hidden in the dark of the place. Features turning into that of a glowing celestine ghost. The walls of glass trapping both of them, making them appear insignificant.

 

_A smirk._

 

There's no point on trying to talk, there's no point on shouting his name and follow his games along the streets without rest anymore. no point in trying to speak some sense into him. It's a lost cause. he won't waste energy to end bending his mind thinking on how to make him see. It doesn't matter how much he thinks everything was fiction.

"I don't care how much you want to provoke me.... I just won't try to hurt you anymore"

 

_A frown._

 

The entirety of their bodies gets covered by a shadow, a giant whale encompassing the body of water.

And even if the shadow is so big he can't see anything, for a moment, he can still sense the intensity. the bluster that gaze looks at him with.

 

_And then a laugh._

 

A feigned threat, making itself hollow when it doesn't have an effect. It feels like something akin to desperation since it doesn't stop when it should. retreating steps, a hand covering his temple and a click of his tongue are what's enough to make his face fall into shadow.

 

 

"So... Are you the one who is _done_ with _me_?"

 

 

And suddenly his body is too close to ignore the heat it radiates. eyes that get crazier by the minute and a cold blade that's drawing warm blood against his neck.

 

"because I'm not the one who's done with _you_."

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah, this is a really small chapter but hey! climaxes are really difficult! so we are getting to the end and I just like some angsty shit, is just down my corner! sorry for making this so short, It's just so difficult to prepare and If you ask "Is this a flashforward?" then I would have to say yes, yes it is, so don't worry! there WILL be some more innocent! Izaya on this one haahahahaha!


	15. Chapter 15

The screen goes black. the only thing shining brightly are the old typographic arrangements that state the bittersweet ending of the movie they've been watching -or better said, he's been watching- since Izaya said he was bored and welcomed him into his apartment.

He takes a look at the giant living room he's in. cut-clean furniture with sharp edges all around, just like the owner is, Shizuo thinks while hearing the soft breathing against his shoulder. It's cold outside, the sky a dark violet. snow will probably be all over the city tomorrow if not today.

The body beside him shifts, a light yawn makes his lips curve upwards. a warm feeling making his eyes stare too long at the figure that's under the mattress they're sharing.

"So how did it end?" and raven hair uncovers itself from the heavy cloth, waking eyes staring without a care at the screen.

Of course he had to be watching the movie all by himself. being the only one not falling asleep like a cat.

"you want me to tell you? you were the one who wanted me to come here so we could watch it"

Red eyes look at him irritated, just as if it's his fault he's suddenly awake, light dark marks claiming his eyes. It seems to Shizuo Izaya's been having trouble getting used to how things were before. his job must have taken a hard time getting used to again.

"Shizu-chan should go make me some tea while I take a bath"

He tastes the raven's lips before he gets up, laughing internally at how the other's face flushes a light pink for such a simple act.

 

 

 

The water wakes him up. it's like it's taking all the stress away. the stress of getting used to everything again. he knows everything now. from the start to the end. and the water relaxes him when It touches his body just like he's glad for every memory that has returned to him, good or bad he doesn't care. It feels safe to know most of them are there. cleaned of blurriness.

working as an informant again has been difficult. getting the sleep pattern of a cat that wakes up at night to be able to hunt and stays the same for the rest of the day makes him wonder how on earth did he manage to do it. It's not even that statement what's uncomfortable. the moment he took a step on his apartment again and remembered every file he had about every person he had, made him sick. He couldn't take a look at how ill it was to simply know all these things about so many people. what their desires were, what they wanted, what they did with their lives, what their goals were, what they thrived for. what they did while hiding without someone to look was the worst, and not the worst because of the darkness of the actions but because he had this much dirt on people. at the end, he ended up being disgusted at himself.

Why had he chosen this line of work?

It was beyond him.

At least, the water helped ease his thoughts a little.

The bruises on his body have mostly disappeared. The deep blue Shizuo usually marks him in. He doesn't like it when the blond looks at him with worry over it. If anything, for him, it means an entire world of different things than what Shizu-chan remembers when he sees the marks of pleasure staining his skin. he could easily get aroused looking at them in a mirror, pressing against the same places.

It's been 1 week.

It's been 1 week since he hasn't seen Shizuo and that is enough to drive him mad. the thought of being away for so long. to think of not looking at his eyes when he comes back tired but hungry for him, when he wakes up and Shizuo is there. when he frowns at the idea of Izaya not being there.

It feels weird not to live with him, It feels asphyxiating not to know where he is every minute of the day, what he's doing, what he's thinking. And he remembers that long ago he already considered the possibility of an obsession. he doesn't mind, though.

Just like the water eases into his thoughts he thinks opening the windows would probably help too.

He always liked to sit at the edge of the balcony and look down -that, he remembered- and doing it made him feel at peace but he never analyzed why.   
heights were his thing but he didn't know the reason.

It was the same with everything else, everything he did. all of his actions felt empty. even if he remembered most of the things he should remember, something was not ok with the way his life was supposed to be, the things he was supposed to like to do. he frowns at the thoughts that drive him in circles like a carousel around his mind.

the fact his work doesn't feel right. the fact he knows he used to hate Shizuo but now finds it so hard.

something's still amiss.

_lost._

But he knows it's there.

he's afraid of saying it aloud.

It feels like a solemn thing he shouldn't be searching for. a shadow he knows is looking at him through his own reflection. It's something dark that he knows will grab him by the neck and take his air away. just like the turmoil he sees coming in the sky. red and black and deep. making his hands grab at the edge of the balcony harder than it should. feeling the wind like ice, stabbing him. black shadowed giants trying to yell about the wind that will unravel a storm.

His breathing is harsh now and he doesn't take notice of it. just like he doesn't take notice of Shizuo taking steps behind him. hugging him and breathing on his nape. The touch startles him, making his blood run cold against his neck, almost as if he can feel his own fingers snapping his spine. he finds himself panicking for a second before he almost screams but relaxes against his will instead.

"Hey"

he shouldn't let Shizuo know about it.

"Hey... what's wrong?" It's soft against his ear, a whisper of concern.

He keeps his face straight for a moment but his expression turns into a dark smile when the other puts the teacup on his lap. It's not like the blond can see his face anyway.

"Nothing's wrong. Shizu-chan is just seeing things ne" He takes a sip of the cup to ignore the other's hard gaze behind him. he's aware Shizuo is just as perceptive as he himself is with others. He's aware it's not easy to trick him so his words are quick.

The heat of the mug is burning his hands. pressing onto it like it's the only thing in the world that will ease his anxiety. Shizuo's breaths come to a halt when he asks.

"Does Shizu-chan _trusts_ me?"

 

"Why do you ask?"

He feels light kisses pressing at his neck as he tilts his head to one side. feeling Shizuo's hands start to creep down his shirt, slowly driving him away from everything as he closes his eyes.

"Just answer me"

Suddenly he feels a little less cold.

"Here" and Shizuo doesn't answer his question at first, choosing to ignore it again, his eyes concentrated on the action before him. placing his own scarf at Izaya's neck, rolling it around the raven's neck and watching him let go of a few shudders when his fingers dance around the skin.   
A nice warm piece of cloth that smells like Shizuo and Izaya breathes in it.

He finds himself turning over the edge of the balcony to face the blond man. It takes all the control he has not to drive his gaze away from the hard honey eyes. the eyes that could make him go insane.

Insane that is. If Shizuo just knew how much turbulence they cause every time he looks at him.

"I do. Or else I wouldn't be doing this with you"

A palm is pressed against his face and for a moment Shizuo's eyes flash in concern before turning serious again. he leans in, Shizuo's words sound like a lullaby and he wants to fall asleep in it. looking at him like this. pressing his own hand to the other's.

"You look tired"

"That's because I am"

Izaya is smiling at him like a big fat cat, but something inside of him tells him there's something wrong with the way those tired eyes are looking at him. It's like they want to scream but they can't open Izaya's own mouth.

"Are you sure you want to go to Sunshine tomorrow? we could just stay here you know?"  
He's inhaling at Izaya's jaw again, feeling how the other shudders against him. enjoying the light sighs he hears.

  
"It's ok. I want to go with Shizu-chan tomorrow. that's why I called you here. I just hope the weather is not like this when we go."

Izaya closes his eyes for the next minute, touching Shizuo's forehead with his own. a tiny embarrassing thought making way to a flush.

 

_and I sleep better with you anyway_

 

It's soft when the notion hits him and he can't help but to smile at it while Shizuo drags his lips slowly over his.

It's not like he can say it out loud.

 

 

 

 

 

  
He presses Izaya against the bed, feeling everything he can with their bodies, kissing and claiming his neck until Izaya takes his shirt and he sees the fading bruises on his body, light traces he recognizes as his own.

"We don't have to go all the way if you are tired. It would put too much pressure on your body."

No, It's been too long for him. It's been too long for Shizuo too, he's sure of that. he doesn't want to lose time when it comes to this man so he ignores every word that comes out of that sentence and looks at the other in the eye.

"didn't you say you _trust_ me?"

Shizuo tries to run away from the tricky statement. Izaya knows how to play his cards right when it comes down to anything. ignoring his guilt being one of the things he finds easy to do.

He strays his eyes not to look at him but Izaya grabs him by the face. softly kissing him like it's a plea and not a caress. burying his head on Shizuo's chest.

"I want you"

As honey eyes lock with cherry-red, Shizuo thinks Izaya will be the end of him.


	16. Chapter 16

He hasn't told Shinra about it yet.

It's 5:00 am, or that's what the clock upon his light stand says.   
The pain has been there ever since he started recovering his memories. It had started with a bit of discomfort, headaches that would burn but pass after some time. he didn't expect the pain to grow this much, and that didn't help with the anxiety that came with it either. it was a permanent feeling, something that wasn't entirely physical.

It was awareness.

The feeling of knowing something wasn't right.

Coffee always solved most of his problems though, so he got up, carefully sliding under the covers, never minding the blond man sleeping next to him.   
Shizu-chan didn't need to know how he was feeling. apprehension was not the word for it. a hunch perhaps, or a bad omen eating his mental state away. medication worked sometimes. the caffeine making his brain stretch for some hours before the feeling of being swallowed by darkness came again.

so he took a pill. and then he took another. staring blindly at the space in front of him. hopefully, it would end soon enough. 

"Is something wrong?"

He doesn't notice Shizuo entering the kitchen, looking at him with concern showing in his eyes, causing him to freeze for a second before he can put a smile and turn to him while he curses internally at Shizuo because he can make a few words worth of his voice sound like the world to him.

"Why is Shizu-chan talking like my mother?" the mockery in his voice is obvious and it tastes sweet just as Shizuo's glazed eyes of concern. It's difficult to be his usual self when he's with him. the self that he knows lives inside his mind twisting his thoughts away.

And he laughs when a pink tint makes way into Shizuo's cheeks. getting flustered that easy is funny when you can throw cars at people. Shizuo is so open about his feelings, and Izaya thinks It's absurd.

"I was just worried," he says it like it's obvious, looking past Izaya and getting the words all mixed up, almost stuttering because Izaya can turn all of his care into a joke with one word. even if it isn't one.

Izaya thinks It's endearing. He doesn't realize how much he loves to analyze all the little things Shizuo does, even when he thinks Izaya's not paying attention to him. looking at Shizuo for moments too long has become something he's used to, something he doesn't think he can let go off.

He laughs inwardly when Shizuo shows him a frown, getting even redder for every step Izaya takes until he's facing him just like that. the light so soft and yellow, waking up with them in silence, making Shizuo's hair glow with it. He doesn't realize both of his hands are resting on Shizuo's nape, guiding themselves through his hair until they stop at his lips.

It always feels like Shizuo is a drug. 

Or he'd rather say he feels drugged by him. 

A bad habit.

It feels like he needs to squeeze every drop of emotion Shizuo has for the world. his blood pumps eagerly when he takes Shizuo's focus, something tells him is a very familiar feeling, even more familiar than late nights and coffee and he smiles at the surprised nervous eyes he's seeing behind blonde strands of hair, watching with a smirk how the frown slowly changes to surprise.

yeah, that's right. he thinks, as his own red eyes get closer.   
Shizuo is an open book. 

the light shines, and he closes his eyes just to feel his blood pump when his lips touch what he doesn't deserve. 

 

He kisses him, with all the tenderness he can gather because sometimes he feels Shizuo gives him too much when he has nothing to give back   
-not that he would ever dare say that out loud-

when the kiss is over, Shizuo feels it was too quick because his lips still burn for the lack of touch.   
Izaya could kill him just like that. 

"What?" he says, still drinking in the view of the perplexed Shizuo in front of him. 

It's not his fault he's been staring at Shizuo's red face for this long.

"nothing. It's just that..." he trails the words slowly, thinking about what to say next and not scare Izaya away.

"you don't do that very often... " 

Izaya thinks it's not his fault when he's as red as Shizuo. eyes getting larger at the realization of what he's done. blunt kisses are not his usual style, and sincerity is also hard to come by.

He knows he's not good with emotion, he's only good at hiding it. Shizuo can't hide his feelings as well as he can, but he can hide his thoughts better than Izaya himself.

when he recovers his breath again Shizuo takes it as easily as it came.

"I love you"

He doesn't realize the gasp.

The need to run is overwhelming when the words dawn on him. splashing him like a cold bucket of water, it feels like he's been disarmed, he's been defeated. his heart has stopped pumping eager blood. but Shizuo is faster than him when it comes to realization, so he forces Izaya's head into his arms, hugging him against his chest before he can run away from everything. because the red eyes look more scared than they should and Shizuo can't force Izaya to make promises he isn't willing to make.

"You don't have to say anything" He says it quietly.

They stay just like that.   
Izaya's breaths are ghosting around his chest and they make him feel like he's lighter than what he remembers. He enjoys how he can feel the tension going away from the lithe body, relaxing against him automatically at the embrace. the heartbeat he feels however, remains brisk.

Izaya blames his racing pulse to the pills he took seconds ago, caffeine is not a good ingredient for anxiety and he knows the effects don't run this quick but he doesn't think of that when what's important is that it's not his fault. 

When he relaxes against Shizuo he can hear the other's beating blood drumming in his ears, numbing the panic.

Shizuo's heart is beating just as fast as his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the oh-so-short-chapter. I'm trying to figure this thing a decent ending!. so bear with me while I write the rest!. next chapter things will explode!!!!!!


	17. Chapter 17

"Look at this one! It looks just like Shizu-chan!"

Sunshine's aquarium is just too big and everything strikes as something peaceful when it looks this blue. specially Izaya's giddy expression with his face almost touching the glass. He's smiling at him mockingly curving his lips into a smirk.

Izaya looks curious enough to fixate his eyes on the glass walls, watching with open eyes the world swimming inside them. flashes of fishes of every color move like beams of light on the other side, as if all of them were traveling with him.  
He looks young. His face is almost plastered to the wall and Shizuo can't help but direct his eyes to that grin.

Shizuo just stands there, unmoving and looks at the childish way Izaya lets looks through the glass, how his delicate hands are holding onto Shizuo's own jacket with light but sure pressure.

He finds endearing how Izaya won't even notice the warning of the storm outside, eyes too focused to pay thought to it.

It's funny how his attention span is like that of a child when he's carefree like that. compelling Shizuo to go to a million different places at once. talking about what he knows. explaining him the things he's learned and laughing at how Shizuo doesn't seem to know as much so he can answer with a growl that hides more of a laugh and a tender look than an actual warning.

Shizuo doesn't realize they've been through half the place already and his eyes have stayed locked on the same place.

"I bet this one looks just like you when it's angry!" Izaya laughs and Shizuo can't help but quirk his lips a little. It's a blowfish that seems to be swimming close to Izaya's mocking face, it seems it really isn't paying any attention to either of them.

Izaya locks carmine eyes with his, a grin stretching his lips only to direct his eyes to the water again, a reflection through the glass watching him right back. his mischievous smiles give way to a softer expression, eyes turning violet under the blue light that cuts through the water.

"your face is going to scare it away," He says, amusing himself and trying not to laugh at how Izaya has his nose practically merged with the glass. he's pouting like a child at Shizuo's words.  
He doesn't expect the fish actually blow up into a balloon, puffing all the way while Izaya's face of shock make his eyes widen. Izaya tilts his head to glare at him as if blaming him and he can't help but let the laugh locked inside his throat flow with amusement. He can't stop the warmth that sparks all the way down his spine and when he looks at Izaya again, turning his head, Izaya is sticking his tongue at him.  
A laugh catches at his throat again as he presses his hand against Izaya's head, ruffling the raven hair tenderly and watching Izaya's face take a reddish color. Shizuo can hardly contain the glee he feels when they are like this and voicing those feelings is something out of the question, but he enjoys it all the same because being like this feels human for him.

That's exactly the word for he's looking for. realization strikes and he's sure that's the right word he should be tasting at the edge of his tongue that makes warmth travel underneath his skin.  
He feels more human.  
Izaya makes him more human.   
the soft smiles Izaya shows him, the soft smiles he knows are honest make him feel deserving of being one. more human than he could ever remember being.

It's been more than half a year since all of this started and he can't remember how he felt before. at this point remembering the things they fought for sound pointless. It doesn't really matter. He is sure he understands the old Izaya as much as he understands the person before him. Izaya's smiles are not sharp anymore but soft, making way to an expression that touches his eyes, unlike past smiles. He's shy about them but Shizuo doesn't really care as long as he's content.

but then it happens again and Shizuo gets more concerned by the minute.

"hey, what's the matter?"

he knows not everything is as right as he hopes.

Izaya's been less talkative these days, and he wonders about what's going on inside his head. There's a feeling that awakens inside him every time Izaya shuts down and grimly stares at nothingness. a tight knot that speaks of warning wanting to free itself from inside him, and he can't help but feel afraid of what Izaya might do when he's not looking.

It's not easy when the raven refuses to answer linearly to questions when he'd rather be mocking all of his answers away. pretending to be fine even if he's being engulfed by something akin to pain.  
Shizuo can't help but let the feeling swallow him into darkness whenever he sees Izaya stare with a blank expression at nothing from moment to moment like a transmission that's been cut. just like he's doing right now. It's like Izaya shuts down his senses and can only ever look into his reflection.  
sometimes he doesn't ask but other times it's too obvious he's thinking about something that hurts him and Shizuo wishes he could take it away.

"What's the matter?" Shizuo can't help but repeat the words and hope Izaya comes back.

For a moment he can swear something flickers on Izaya's eyes, faint guilt that is soon replaced with clear eyes and he knows Izaya is hiding something when his eyes stay serious and his smile doesn't touch his eyes.

"nothing, my head just hurts a little..."

Izaya doesn't fail to notice the lack of trust showing on Shizuo's face but yellow eyes show him worry all the same and he curses the warmth that strikes him.  
There's a pain that bounces then, something that comes and goes resembling his heartbeat and he can't help but squeeze his eyes a little at the burn.

"It's not a big deal Shizu-chan, it happens to the best of us," he says, as he throws himself to Shizuo's side, bumping his shoulder just to avoid looking at him, furrowing his eyes and swinging his head to the side, one of his hands pressing against his head unconsciously trying to put the pain that's becoming worse by the second at bay, his head has started hurting again, seeing so much people makes it worse, the chatter, the blabbering, the noise. if he could only pretend the pain is not this strong he wouldn't have to bear feeling guilty when Shizuo asks him for answers he doesn't want to give. these days the pain has been even more difficult to hide.

It's not just the pain but the low guttural feeling of being trapped.

"It's probably the cold"

_yes, maybe it's just the cold._

"then use this" he hears Shizuo say.

He doesn't look Shizuo in the eye and when he feels warmth envelope his cold neck he looks up to watch Shizuo's brows knot slowly into a frown. Shizuo's eyes are soft, but Izaya is sure that if he looks too close he will be found out.

He knows It's not the cold.

He can only whisper a thankful hum before his thoughts get lost inside his head again. Just a minute before he wouldn't have expected the pain to come back so fast.

He's been distracted these days, trying to figure out about the nature of this not-so-headaches. It's tough when he still hasn't recovered from the routine of work.  
he wonders about why the headaches come and go but seem to be present whenever there is one factor around him.  
Izaya can feel something thrumming inside him every time. the fish don't seem as much interesting when there are so many other things he could be looking at right now.

fish are not the only ones who should be watched.

Something inside him tells him that's how he should observe them.

There's been a pattern he's beginning to understand, there's been a pattern he's just starting to be aware of.

  
People.

 

and the pain is worse he curses unknowingly under his breath.

  
he needs to distract himself, needs to snap out of it before it becomes worse.

  
"Want to go see the sharks they have here?" He blurts out, ignoring what Shizuo was about to say just to shut him up.

He can just hope it doesn't become worse. He doesn't look Shizuo in the face again because he's sure he has noticed.

He's sure Shizuo has noticed with the way he's eyeing at him. When Shizuo shows him hard honey eyes he can't help but feel guilty about it. but something inside him tells him he shouldn't, he shouldn't tell anyone about this. this is just for himself to realize.

"Maybe we should just go home if you're not feeling well"

He can't help to jerk in agony when he suddenly feels like choking, there's an unbearable pain that runs through his head becoming intrusive to the point of making his vision go white. he curses under his breath as he feels strong arms trying to get a hold of him and the last thing he hears is his name being called.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Shizuo-kun..."

  
The doctor arranges his glasses again as he asks with a motion for his wounded arm. It's surprising how no one else can damage Shizuo's skin like this with just a knife.

His fingers pass through the tools he needs to clean the wounds, cold metal making equally cold sounds in the silence, and the doctor feels uneasy because Shizuo is not answering, silence feels like a caged scream in the room. his face is dark and he's sure he has never seen Shizuo so lifeless, unmoving. sure his friend has always been a calm creature when not bothered, but he'd never been this allergic to words.

He asks again and this time, Shizuo lends him the wounded limb and the movement is as lifeless as the silence that prevails stubborn in every corner of the room.

He's never seen Shizuo like this.

 

 

 

 

  
_people._

they are just like water and ink.  
Every time they override his mind with different outcomes.

ever since he came back to his old routine, ever since he could be outside again, be it in bars, streets or even downtown.

people were most present when the pain was worse.

  
His breathing becomes sharp, hurtful.

one of them, two of them, a crowd.

His lungs can't stand the pressure stalking his chest every time they gather around him as if to tempt him.

Ever since he started remembering the actions he forced people to take without staining his hands, ever since he'd started reading about all the information he had on people.

He tugs at his hair as he hisses at the pain that goes through every inch of his body, it feels like he's burning up, a heat that's boiling his skin raw with a torrent of fire, for a moment he only sees white and he's surprised he hasn't touched the floor yet when his eyes open and he breathes again frantically, opening his mouth only to shut it again.

strong arms hold him tight, and he feels relief for a second until the second bolt of pain hits his head again, this time the burning is more violent. it takes everything he has not to let himself fall even further. his legs won't stand much longer like this.

He can see his vision start to fade and Shizuo is saying something but he doesn't get it, he can't hear the words that come out of his mouth, he can only let Shizuo guide him outside to sit him on a bench as the pain starts to drive itself away.

the pain has never been this strong before. his breathing is sharp and he can feel the hair of his neck stand on end when a dark weight suddenly makes him alert to Shizuo's strong stare, strong body swirling over him and making his vision fail under the dark figure looming over him.

"Just bring me water" He hears himself say through chapped lips when he sits. He needs to take Shizuo away from him as far as he can and he can only watch as Shizuo doubtfully nods and goes to look for what he asked not before assuring something through his lips he doesn't quite hear, looking afraid and saying something about Shinra  
Thank god there's no one else outside the building or he'd black out right there and then.

His mind starts racing again. But this time the pain has turned into a high, It's as if time has stopped and his body feels light.

He finds himself looking at the sky in a daze. His body feels exhausted but his mind is riding with the strength of a waterfall.

The clouds above him are just as dark as the thoughts that are intruding his mind right now. even if there're no people to watch here, he can see every memory he has of them revert inside his skull, making the last empty spaces of his consciousness explode in the overabundance of thoughts. It's like he's watching an old movie he's never gotten bored of, watching the tales unravel behind his eyes again and again, as they repeat endlessly.

He can recall the movement of his lips in every memory, It's like he's suddenly disappeared from the face of earth and he's watching himself say the words that lead every story. a mouth that moves like an echo with the taunts he used, leading people to choose actions he'd already chose beforehand for them to do, saving them as new tales to amuse himself in the never-ending movie, reactions he'd like to write over stone.

He can see them go around their lives, and he's a ghost nobody know is there as he plays with everything they choose, everything he chooses for them, every time they wonder about the misery they've been put through and he remembers himself laughing at how stupid some of them are but he loves them all the same.

oh how he loves the desperate, the lost ones, the happy ones, the insecure ones, the ones that want to kill, to steal, to deceive are no different. he just loves them all the same.

he loves and loves and loves every inch of them, a red happiness that turns into bitter melancholy runs within him.

he smirks

he loves them.

he remembers.

he loves every single one of them.

love.

humans.

  
And they should love him back just as much as he does.

 

and there is no love without conflict.

He's sure of that.

laughing bitterly or happily he doesn't know, he's trembling and he just keeps laughing. It's a shame how far away he's derailed but it doesn't matter.

He's finally himself again.

It amuses him. everything should, everything does.   
he's finally in control again. a familiar smirk slowly drags itself upon his lips.

Izaya suddenly hears the steps he recognizes by memory come too close.   
He embraces himself harder with silent trembling, covering himself with his hands at both sides, a laugh with no sound is coming out of him and he feels empty, tired, pained. His eyelids close hard against darkness and he can see.

It's ridiculous.

He's looking at the floor now, feeling electricity run his course through the entire stone tiles of the floor when the steps lunge faster toward him, making his senses sharpen. he's not looking up, he's not ready to look up. he's still not composed and Izaya thinks to himself this is just too stupid, too absurd, too ridiculous, too crazy.

Perfect. Amusing.

Shizuo will never stop entertaining him no doubt.

It's funny how things turned out, but failed karma couldn't make justice at how disgusted he feels with himself when Shizuo sways his body over him, making a motion as if to touch him with one of those beastly hands that make his blood boil and his hairs stand like a warning.

_Protection. worry. care._

This is disgusting Shizu-chan.

"Izaya, you ok?"

_You can't be doing this._

When Shizuo touches his face he realizes Izaya's not trembling because of pain. small sounds are coming from him like tiny cracks but he's not crying.

He's laughing.

And the chuckle starts to get louder until Izaya's body starts to shake as the cackle burst out of him and sink into his skin making him appear as something grim slowly uncovering outside the shadows.

the trademark laugh he's heard so many times, so fake and so out of place when it comes to Izaya's clean-cut face. He retreats his hand as if he's been burned and a silent gasp gets stuck at the back of his throat.

Shizuo has never felt so scared before.

He should back off now, away from something his gut tells him is going to kill him, away from the raven boy he's learned to love so much.

he's unable to move.  
Shizuo is breathless, unmoving.

_No_

He's never felt so scared of carmine eyes opening to look at him like that.

_No_

_Izaya_

bloodlust eyes and a sharp flash were all he saw before the pain coveted his arm, and then he heard the words that made his body shiver.

"Don't fucking touch me"

Fiery eyes look at him with hate, and the thin line of Izaya's mouth becomes sharper in a smile, flashing white teeth and whole eyes screeching at him all the things he wouldn't shout with his mouth.   
like he's not worth the sound that could come out of his lips.  
  
Izaya stands up but doesn't take his glare away from the man before him, he starts to feel a heavy weight when Shizuo looks at him with molten eyes that seem to be looking at something he can't quite grasp yet.

He wants that caramel gaze to harden and declare those lips to hate his being, he's waiting for Shizuo to act on the familiar sound of his name being shot into the air, adrenaline shooting through his spine as electricity revives his muscles and he writhes in expectation with crazy eyes but the gravity in the air feels heavy when Shizuo just stares at him with his mouth slightly parted, eyes fixated on red, there's a pressure he can't let go off when he sees Shizuo's eyes searching for someone else. so innocently hopeful. It makes him angry. looking at Shizuo's face of scared astonishment melted with concern make him want to slash his expression off with a knife, and when Shizuo opens his mouth he decides right there he doesn't want anything to do with what he's about to say.  
He takes a step back and he realizes he's afraid.

and he laughs.  
He laughs until he finds himself shaking at the sight of something so unbearably stupid. Disgusting wouldn't even be enough to describe it but something much worse. much worse than what he

"Iza—"

_don't you dare_

"Did Shizu-chan really think I could last with him like that?"

Shizuo chokes on his breath, the sound of those words sound like syrupy poison as Izaya gently guides his palm to his face, knuckles gently caressing him but the meaning bites him hard with blood and he can't help but look at the eyes that burn like blazes and are ready to spit fire at him. the touch is light at the side of his face. warm silk just like the sound of his voice. Izaya is tense Shizuo notices, but he still manages a smirk. He can't help but close his eyes as he feels Izayas fingers travel up to his hair to then yank his hair with angry force. Shizuo lets him do as he pleases and Izaya's cheek feel soft against his face, Izaya's breathing is staggering with rage but flowing with bitter chuckling.

"That I could love a beast? come to love a monster?" Izaya spits and tugs at his hair with more force. He's almost choking on laughter at the end.

he makes the words sound ridiculous to a bizarre extent and Shizuo wishes this was all a joke but isn't.   
He can only open his eyes and try to breathe in Izaya's scent. He doesn't answer as the darkness envelopes him in Izaya's caresses.

Shizuo closes his eyes hard when affliction starts chewing him into the realization of what's happening. trying to lean into the touch that will soon disappear from his skin but wishes it wouldn't.

Izaya whispers and even if the sound is filled with anger Shizuo can hear bitter resentment over the words.

"I bet you got off on me not knowing who I really was" His voice sounds disappointed but his lips move upwards and his smile turns dark when he whispers again, crawling his thumb down to Shizuo's lower lip letting his breath clash against Shizuo's lips, looking at him in the eye until he draws the words

"I fucking hate you, Shizuo"

Shizuo's breath catches at his throat.

Izaya's lips move into a thin line when Shizuo shakes his head.

No, that's not true.

"You are lying"

Red and bitter, Izaya's eyes quickly turn a dark shade of frowning red when he hears it. his face is clearly showing a violence he can't quite seem to control when he swings his knife uselessly to aim at his throat. Shizuo catches his wrists and Izaya can only look at him in displeased anger.

"You know that's not true Izaya"

Izaya laughs louder then, and Shizuo is not sure if the laugh is at all real, revulsion shows clearly through Izaya's face but his eyes flash into something sad, he laughs for so long it seems like he's forgotten to breathe, his eyes getting wet for the lack of air when he gives him a condescending look before slitting his eyes with murderous intent freeing himself from Shizuo's hold.

"My love for humans is something that wasn't made for you..."

golden-red shimmers when lighting blows up in the sky and the wind gets wilder, his hair swinging with the wind and the storm that's about to open the sky into a curse tears itself apart.

"Since Shizu-chan just isn't human"

just like a _curse_.

"I just can't love you"

When the sky breaks, Shizuo feels is not the sky breaking but him.

The rain doesn't wait for Shizuo, the rain doesn't let him find the words he needs to speak, the sky turns dark and Izaya's hair flows with the wind while he takes draws himself closer to the blond for one last time while sorrowful caramel looks at crazed crimson.

He can't hate this man again.   
He will never be able to hate Izaya again.  
He doesn't want to play pretend with him, he doesn't want to lie, to deny he's more lost than he can handle, he's just too lost already.

But all he can do is watch the eyes that savor his face like something to be consumed with fire and as Izaya tilts his head he does the same for he can't do anything when the wind blows so strong and soft raven strands brush against his skin. that's all he can think of.

 

 

  
"I bet you enjoyed fucking me"

 

 

 

 

 

  
the blood draws red. the pain of the stab feels fresh, his fist clenches when he realizes the cut is deep and Izaya is long gone, out of his sight. leaving only the last touch of cold fingers upon his skin.

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
"Love for humans then..."

"Izaya" He sighs turning to him

"He can be quite oblivious sometimes..."

Shinra doesn't get an answer. Shizuo's frown is deep just like his thoughts seem to be.

He has never seen Shizuo this contemplative over something he should be angry about, He'd rather watch his friend destroy public property because this doesn't quite feel right.

Shizuo looks tired, his eyes look dead and his movements are slow, lazy even. like he just doesn't want to get up from the place he's sitting right now. Shinra's never felt worry over one of his friends before, but this Shizuo makes him feel uneasy. it's like life has been drained out of him.

Maybe Celty will know what to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SO SORRY! but as I always say, I always always aaaalways finish what I start! thank you for reading and understanding englischu is not my first nor second language! thank you so much for enjoying this!


End file.
